Geh weiter und weiter

The feeling that you get,

after endless times 

of reading,

of trying to understand,

of being patient,

of keeping your hopes up,

of crying your heart out,

of knowing how hard it is,

of believing that one day you'll get it,

of hoping it'll get better,

to finally be able to comprehend that very same paragraph, that very same subject, that very same slides, 

is just undescribable.

All you can do at that time was to prostrate to your Lord. coz you know without Him, you'll be no where near to this achievement. 

But one thing left unsettled. 

Does it really take this much to get to this stage? How about the other subjects, the other practicals, the other labs, the other exams? Do they also demand such output, such courage, such strength, such patience? 'Cause the truth is, I can't help but to feel tired with all these.

And I wonder, is it because of the language barrier, or it is just me, or is it something else?

Hang on there

She used to tell me this:

'Huda, have you ever had this feeling? That even if you are among your closest friends, even if you are with your family, even while you are laughing out loud, deep inside you know for sure that your are alone in this world.'

Yes, dear Kristina. I have had that feeling and still am having it. This world was never meant to be forever. It was never made permanent. And our heart strives for something eternal. 

Every time I was on the train (usually Austria-Germany-Austria), that feeling, that very same thought never left me. Never. Yes, we are alone in this world. You'll never feel belonged anywhere in this world. You are not belonged here.

We come from heaven, that's our home. And I'm on my way back, home, insyaAllah

It's not motivation that you need, what you need is desire

Penat.
Penat lawan dengan diri sendiri.

Takut.
Takut kalah dengan diri sendiri.

Empat - We are here for a higher purpose

I was on my way to TU (Technische Universität Wien) when I felt the vibration of the mobile phone in my pocket.

 'Hammam Abu Alkass' appeared on the screen.

I didn't hear from him for quite sometimes, the last time was when we were in the library. I helped him with Grundlagen der Chemie PS (Fundamental of Chemistry). It was one of the three main subjects (STEOP), namely Anorganische Chemie, Analytische Chemie, Grundlagen der Chemie, that we needed to pass in order to stay in Technical Chemistry. You are allowed to repeat the paper only once. The third time would be Komissionelle Prüfung, where there will be four professors examining you, either written or oral exams. 

He failed once and went for the second trial .

'Hallo, Hammam. Wie geht's?'
(Hi Hammam. How are you?)

'Ja, gut, danke. Huda, ich hab' eine Frage.'
(Yes, good. Thanks. Huda, I have a question.)

'Ja.'
(Yes)

'Kann man troztdem fürs Labor eintreten, obwohl man die STEOP noch nicht geschafft hat?'
(Is one still allowed to register for the lab course even though he hasn't completed his STEOP yet?)

I paused for a few second. He muss have failed the second trial.

'Ich weiß es nicht, Hammam. Aber ich kann es bei der Fachschaft fragen. Du hast den Test nicht geschafft, oder?' 
(I don't know, Hammam. But I can ask the student department about it. You failed the test, right?)

'Ja.' 
(Yes)

I knew how it feel. I still had one more chance for analytical chemistry. If I missed it, then there is no good reason for me to stay here in Vienna. If I were him, I would have thought that this could be the end of the world. No chance for technical chemistry anymore. I would have sit at the corner of the room regretting every single second that I've wasted on something else. 

But this guy, no. He worked like a horse. Eyes fixed in front. Mata tengok depan je. Tak pandang belakang langsung. He tried to get the job done, to go for any other possibilities to make it right, to make it done. You failed this, yes. But there were a lot more to be done. He didn't waste his energy regretting on that matter, 'cause he knew, he already tried.

Judging from our conversation on the phone, his German had improved a lot. I mean, A LOT. The first time I met him, he couldn't even explain where he was going. He couldn't understand it when I explained to him the marking system in TU.

So much to learn from a Palestinian guy.

Einer der wichtigsten Teile meines Lebens

5 orang yang aku beri kepercayaan penuh dan aku rasa sangat berkebolehan untuk menceritakan hal aku atau keperibadian aku kalau ada orang minat kat aku n nak tau lebih lanjut pasai aku n konon nak datang minang ka kan ialah:

1.  Ummi
2.  Abah
3.  Iman
4.  Yam
5.  Kristina

    6.   Kucing-kucing aku, kalau mereka boleh berkata-kata :)

Tea bags

She was lying on her bed with two small black wet sacks covering both of her eye lids and the perimeter of her eyes. Appeared frozen like a stone, she was not moving even an inch. Being so curious, I walked towards her.

'Jangan kacau Yam lah.' she murmed annoyed at my presence. Or I would say embarrased at her current situation. Nevertheless, not an inch of her body moved.

Then I realised it was two wet tea bags that was covering her eyes.

'Apa la boh uncang teh kat mata. Mana nak hilang sembam doh.'

'Ada... Yam tengok internet dia kata jadi.'

'Ya lah, tapi orang bukak isi uncang teh tu lumur habis kat mata. Direct treatment kot. Baru jadi.'

'Mana ada orang buat kerja gila camtu!'

And I walked out of the room.

The next morning I went to her room only to find her busy cleaning her bed. With a stressed out face, she took off her bed lining and pillow cases, lifting it up high in the air and hitting it hard with her hand.

'Awak kibas apa ni?'

'Awak lah ni kata keluarkan isi uncang tu. Habis dah kering serbuk tu lekat kat muka Yam pagi ni. Pastu habis dia jatuh-jatuh kat katil Yam!' she was clearly mad.

'Awak buat betul-betul???' after 5 seconds... BAHAHAHAHAHA!

'Tak nak kawan awak!!' 

Penangan Aladin

Perempuan.

Tiga pulak tu.

Masalah dengan perempuan, gaduh la teruk mana pun sampai rasa nak pindah rumah, nak bunuh-membunuh, rahsia peribadi tetap dok sembang kencang sesama sendiri. Bak kata Iman, awat la kita bongok sangat dulu-dulu, dah tau rahsia for sure akan pecah baik punya kalau dok share antara kita, tapi gatai nak share jugak.

Ya, setiap malam kami tiga beradik akan bermesyuarat di atas katil. Dengan lampu terpadam, supaya senang nak kembali ke posisi pura-pura tidur bila Ummi datang check tengah-tengah malam. 

'Awak jangan bagitau abah tau, Iman hilang pembaris kat sekolah.'

'Eee... sian awak. Uda pun. Tapi uda hilang pemadam sekali.'

'Yam, pinjam pensil please. Spot-check esok abah nak tengok. Awak tak kena.'

Maka Yam yang dalam lingkungan tujuh tahun itu dengan penuh innocentnya akan meminjamkan pembarisnya kepada Iman.

Pada suatu malam berikutnya.

'Uda suka sorang budak laki ni, Dia kelas sebelah.'

'Ooo! Iman tau. Hensem².

Ya, nampak sangat akrab di situ. Akan tetapi, kami juga akan menggunakan rahsia-rahsia yang telah diamanahkan ke atas kami ini untuk kepentingan diri.

Mungkin juga dek terpengaruh cerita Aladin- Walt Disney, - dan setiap kali ulang tayang kartun tu kami tiga beradik akan minta Ummi belikan harimau sebagai binatang peliharaan - kami nampak pelbagai kelebihan yang dapat diperoleh dalam Three Wishes tu. Esok anak aku sorang pun aku tak kasi tengok Aladin. Never.

'Yam jangan bagi tau abah!! Uda dah tak suka dia dah laaaa!'

'Nak bagitahu jugak!'

'Janganlah!'

'Ok, macam tu Yam nak tiga permintaan.'

Maka, siapa yang terperangkap terpaksalah menunaikan ketiga-tiga permintaan itu seperti mengemas bilik (sebab kami kongsi bilik), buatkan air especially air sunkist limau, basuhkan kasut dan lain-lain lagi yang kadang tu tak tercapai dek akal pun, dengan harapan rahsia-rahsia kerajaannya tak bocor sampai ke pengetahuan abah.

'Bagitau abah awak hilang pemadam.'

'Mana ada... ada je tetinggal kat sekolah!'

'Tipu Uda tahu. Bagitau abah gak.'

'Ok lah, ok lah'

'Ok nak tiga permintaan.'

Selalunya kesengsaraan orang yang terperangkap tu insyaAllah akan berakhir pada permintaan ke- 3. Sampailah pada suatu hari, Iman telah mengupgrade sistem murni Three Wishes kami ke peringkat seterusnya. 

'Permintaan ke-3 Iman ialah Iman nak lagi 3 permintaan.'

Constant, continous and with sincerity

Just after my Fajr prayer (woken by Syera's call via Line), while sitting on the floor wearing telekung (praying garment) given by my grandma last summer and reading Ma'thurat via mobile App - Ma'thurat Ustaz Don, I can't help thinking how much continous blessings these three people, namely Syera, my grandma and Ust.Don, are getting each day, each time I pray.

Jealous? Yes.

But that's how things work. Benda² kecik ni lah pun yg kita blh nak bawak bila nak jumpa Allah nnt kat akhirat.  

Small things do give great impact on people's life. 

Be creative and innovative in doing good deeds. 

Our aim is His blessings in this life and in the hereafter, insyaAllah

Ready To Love

"So, everybody, self-updates, please!"

And we went on with updating ourselves on skype. The seven of us. And my turn came.

"Ok, alhamdulillah. Ade budak baru dekat Wien. Buat intern kat UN. Then, harini aku buat over view sketch utk 3bulan, until habis Sommersemester (summer sem). Aku ada 5 paper aku kena amik dlm mase 3 bulan. Kena buat betul². Tak mau repeat year dah.. tak larat..."

and then my thoughts came. Should I tell them or not, should I share it? Coz it had been bothering me for quite sometimes. 

"Emm... klu update ibadah, aku ade masalah sebenarnye. Hu... Dah 2 hari aku x dengar alarm, x boleh bangun subuh, tak campur dengan hari di mana aku dengar alarm tapi gigih tutup balik dan terus sambung tidur dan bila bangun balik dah subuh gajah. "

It bothered me a lot. I knew something was terribly wrong with me.

Something was wrong in my day time routine that it effected my Subuh prayer. My Fajr.

I needed to get to the bottom of this.

And Khaulahs, being ever so sweet, came up with 1001 ways to wake up for Fajr.

"Huda huda, aku tau, aku tau! Kau pakai hp ape?" that was from Cik Yah.

"Samseng."

"Bagus, samseng kan? Install Extreme Alarm Clock. Alarm tu xkan berhenti smpi kau solve maths problem tu"

"Alaaaa.. aku cube dah tu. Aku tidur balik. Sbb aku solve soklan tu dlm keadaan minda bawah sedar" that was from Fil.

"Tepuk² bantal!"

"Tidur awal!"

"Dah cube, x berkesan...."

"Aku call kau pakai Line subuh ni, insyaAllah." from Syera.

And she did. And I was successful in waking up and praying for Fajr the next day. 

What I love from our little group of Khaulah was that we didn't throw any judgement to one another. At least, I didn't feel like being judged when sharing my problem. And we helped each other, insyaAllah.

"Protect and be there for one another" Ready to Love, Outlandish

Zielstrebig

I have a dream, I have a target, I have a goal.

If not one, many.

And I'm on my way there.

InsyaAllah.

Let's do our job (51:65) (2:30)

The reason kenapa orang dulu-dulu kata "pi mengaji Qur'an" sambil menghayun rotan, hanger, pembaris kayu, tali pinggang, tali pinggan keledar, karpet (ok, cukup...) di tangan ke punggung is not to tell u pi baca Qur'an, but pi kaji Qur'an.

It's not enough just to read it (and you think u've done your job). 

No.

To read is one thing.

To understand, to comprehend, to reflect upon it, to kaji is another thing. So, let's do our job, shall we? :)

Tudia bahasa rojak tahap gaban. Nasib ja x campoq jerman skali.

Fünf - Spracherwerb

Why?

Why would they not listen?

With all of the abilities they had, to understand the language, to comprehend it at the grassroot level, to be able to ask back after being able to identify things they didn't understand, to be able to make an argument or voicing out their opinion, they didn't do it. They just took everything for granted.

And me, I was strugging with the language. To understand the language itself was one thing, to comprehend the thing your were learning was another. To identify things you didn't understand was also another thing. And even, even after you had reached the point where you knew what you didn't know, it would be all too scarying and terrifying to raise up your hand in the middle of the class to ask, while all the german-mother tounge speakers would abruptly turned their heads to you.

It came to my mind how I was also in the very same situation like they were in back then in my homeland, my home town. Despite having the ability to do all of the things listed above, you just won't do it. You took things for granted. And you left unexcell in your study. Communicating with the teachers and classmates  would not be a problem back then 'cause you already master the language. 

What a pity.

What a shame.

So, yes, I knew now how it felt to be able to master all these. Yes, it was a blessing. And it was not that I loose this particular blessing from God to be able to master this language acquisition (German in my case), but to show me to what level of difficulty I would be in not being able to communicate with the outside world without this particular blessing of His.

And I got it.

And I was mad at them, those inside my class.

They were like me back then.

They got everything. All they had to do was to push aside their ego, their childish behaviour, stay humble along the way, open their heart and they would already be successful not only in their studies but also in shaping their character.

"Verstehst du das? (Do you understand that)" he asked while pointing at the black board.

"Ja. (Yes)" nodding with a smile on the face, I replied.

"Boah, aber wie?! (Woah, but how?!)"

"Frag sie mal. [Ask her (the teacher)]"

Ask.    

It's the small things that make us happy

"We are girls, we need bracelets!"

And so, another collection from her.
From silver necklace to €2 bracelets... her endless 'contribution'.


O Allah,
you've answered my prayer long ago.
And I just started to realize it... bit by bit
I thank You for sending me her.

Please, open our heart. Help us to clean our hearts. Help us to stay steadfast. Make us the poeple of sincerity. Ameen.

crawl if you must

O Allah,
are You pleased with me?

coz every morning I dissapoint myself

and I'm trying hard to change.

Nidji - Laskar Pelangi

Menarilah dan terus tertawa

walau dunia tak seindah surga

bersyukurlah pada yang Kuasa

cinta kita di dunia... selamanya

live your life to the fullest

coz there is hope in every one of us