Bitte Allah, ich bitte Dich allein... nimm mich weg von ihm

"O Allah, ich bitte Dich um Deine Liebe, die Liebe derer, die Dich lieben, und das Verrichten von Taten, die mir Deine Liebe bescheren. Lass meine Liebe zu Dir größer sein als meine Liebe zu mir selbst, meinem Besitz, meiner Familie und zu kühlem Wasser."

(Hadith des Propheten s.a.w., überliefert von At-Tirmidhi und Al-Hakim)

ich brauche drigend einen großen Bruder, der mir helfen und Ratschläge geben kann

huuuaaaa... susahnya nak jaga hati.... ya Allah, janganlah Kau hukum atau azab aku dek gagal nak jaga hati T_T

If this is not what you call 'love', I don't know what else to call it then

"What you gonna do tomorrow?"

"ummmm... I'm gonna... *tarik nafas*  I'm gonna post this letter to claim my TU fee"

"Huda, what? You gonna claim what?"

"aaaeee... this TU fee, €744, I'm gonna post it tomorrow to Frankfurt to claim it from MARA..."

"I'm gonna kill you, Huda! *suara marah gila* I thought you already did it. You told me you already did it."

"No, I don't."

"But do it tomorrow! It's too long already. I'm gonna kill you now. Why don't you tell me."

"I know... Okay, okay... I'll post it tomorrow"

"And call me after you posted it. And show me the receipt."

"Okay... I'll call you right after I post it."

"Good."

Buat pilihan

4 bakul laundry dibawa turun ke basement untuk dibasuh, kayu pengukur betapa hectic dan tak terurusnya hidup aku untuk sekurang-kurangnya 6 minggu yang lepas.

21.06.2013
Quick, salah satu sistem yang diinstall dalam kad bank, untuk memudahkan pembayaran laundry, membeli-belah, dll. Aku ke bank untuk topup Quick. €10 aku tekan. 

'Betrag zu hoch. Wünsch abgebrochen' 

(Value is too high. Rejected.)

Sekali lagi cucuk kad. Perkara yang sama terpapar di skrin ATM. Tak puas hati, terus meluru ke mesin bersebelahan untuk periksa baki duit dalam akaun. 

€2.80

Bagaikan tamparan kencang 150km/h tepat ke muka. Aku telan air liur. 

Ok, sekarang baru faham apa yang Kristina rasa. Tapi itu pun baru 0.001% saja.

Sekurang-kurangnya, aku belum sampai tahap dia kena buat part-time cleaning lady.

27.06.2013

Elaun MARA masuk. Kembali bernafas. Alhamdulillah. Apa-apa pun, aku ada Kau.

Aku ingat, aku nak pegang tangan dia kuat-kuat, tak mau lepas. Sebab aku tahu, Kau akan tarik tangan aku untuk ke atas, kembali berdiri, so secara tak sengaja, tangan Kristina juga akan tertarik. Tapi aku lupa, Pengasih tu sifat Kau, merangkumi mereka yang tak sujud pada Kau. 

Handphone aku berbunyi. Kristina Zakharova. Aku biarkan dulu, tunggu sampai dia habis berdering baru aku call dia balik.

"I'm doing laundry right now. How are you?"
"Huda, you are the 1st person to know this, I got reply from UNO (United Nation Organisation/Pertubuhan Bangsa-Bangsa Bersatu). They ask me to register now."

Kerongkong aku mula tegang. Tekak aku rasa seperti ditarik. 1st application dia 2tahun lepas kena reject. Menangis dia depan aku. Aku paksa dia buat 2nd application.

Dia dengan tak da duit.

Dia kena pilih:

antara Intern UN selama 6 bulan (atau lebih) yang tak berbayar tu, 

atau 

balik Russia  dan... ok, aku rasa dia sebenarnya tak ada pilihan...

1) Just a glimps of it

Petang tadi selepas selesai periksa gigi, aku terus ke asrama jenguk Kristina. Jumpa dekat Spar, angkut kotak-kotak dengan dia.

Sampai di asrama, aku ke Gemeinschaftsraum (Common room), ada budak tinggalkan kerja-kerja dia atas meja besar. Aku menuju ke arah TV, almaklum jakun sebab rumah sendiri tak da TV. Kristina jenguk meja besar tu.

'Huda, budak ni amik Architecture aku rasa. Ada sketch, geometrie ni.'

Aku meluru ke arah meja tersebut. Meja tu penuh dengan kertas-kertas soalan, sketch dan buku-buku rujukan yang terbuka menanti untuk ditelaah. 'Hochbau' (structural engineering) tajuk buku tu. Sah Architecture. Tak pun civil. Aku intip kertas-kertas soalan tu. Sketches tu. Tak tahu nak rasa apa. 

Hati aku berbisik: Ya Allah, ni ke yang bakal aku hadapi?

Kenapa, di zaman ni, susah sangat nak ikut jalan Kau?

Dunia ni indah sebenarnya...

         ... tapi dalam masa yang sama sangat memuntahkan...

bila boleh masuk syurga? hati nak rehat.

 x larat bertahan kat dunia ni. 

susah. sakit. tenat.

2. Henna tattoo will do :)

If tattoo was halal, I would have long ago let myself tattooed. My dream since in high school...

Funny kak Fit also has the same idea :D

During Matura, I henna tattooed myself several times. 

It's an Addiction + Satisfaction. Mana nak dapat wei perasaan semacam tu... Alhamdulillah lah tattoo dan rokok tu haram dalam agama, kalau tak lama dah aku balun kedua-dua najis itu.

das weißt du schon... verstehst aber nicht, oder?

"Ein jeder hat Engel vor sich und hinter sich, die einander ablösen und ihn auf Allahs Geheiß behüten. Gewiß, Allah verändert die Lage eines Volkes nicht, solange sie sich nicht selbst innerlich verändern. Und wenn Allah ein Volk leiden lassen will, dann kann niemand es abwenden, und außer Ihm haben sie keinen Beschützer." 

(13:11)

muntalaq tu maksud dia titik permulaan

1. The four-year-old girl, Irisa

kami sedang duduk-duduk menikmati keindahan alam (baca: menikmati nikmat dunia membuli Irisa, 4 tahun, dan Iman, 9 tahun) dan sedang bersembang kencang perihal blog masing-masing apabila Irisa menyampuk...

Irisa: bsyong tu apa?

Fatin, Aiman dan aku: Apa?

Irisa: Bsylonge tu apa?

Kami: APA??

Iman: Irisa tanya Blog tu apa?

Aku: Oh.. Blog tu macam... macam... kita tulis-tulis dalam dia

Fatin: Irisa tau tak Journal?

Irisa: tau tau... like a butterfly  

(bayangkan budak umur 4 tahun cakap camni dengan gaya dia...)

Kami gelak bagai nak rak di bawah rimbunan pokok ceri. Ya Allah, nikmat dunia yang Kau kurnia ni sangat kami hargai. Kami teruskan bersembang. Tiba-tiba Irisa bersuara kembali.

Irisa: uuu... so cute!! (sambil pandang ke arah aku)

Aku: oooo.. Uda so cute ke?

Irisa: tak... butterfly so cute...

fine...

jangan nak mengada-ngada salahkan situasi, stop crying like a baby boo

if u see any opportunity, grab it.
if u see any chances, use it.

and if u r not be able to see any of them, then create one.

i was born an ugly duckling and still am dreaming to be a swan

random Quote from a friend's timeline

"To be judged of what you were is just unfair as a butterfly being judged while it was a caterpillar"

Dash Johari

nuff said...

FUN.

There are so many ways to release your aggression. 

Living here surrounded by boring, selfish, egoistic, bajet-kau-bagus-sangat people (read: living here alone), basketball wouldn't do... not like before... what a pity...

But screaming always do its job.

And I guess that's why I tend to hear more of Nate Ruess's these days. 

Like he said: CARRY OOOON!!!!

Bebas

I guess, being young ladies, their lives in Irbid must have been very hard. The type of freedom I'm having here each second is what they could only dream for.

We were in the airport waiting for their flight when we decided to have a bit of a sharing. (10: 7-20)

Each one of them took turn to recite. And as much as my heart being moved by their recitation, I tried to hold back my tears. I wonder how was it, the type of tranquility they felt listening to the recitation of those imams at their nearby mosques. So far from being like them. The simplicity that they posses is what I'm searching for all these while.

You can feel it. Some people don't, but you can.

There are people who appear tough from the outside, they talk loud, they are admired by almost everyone n they knew it, some of them are good looking. But from the inside, they are empty, nothing, too light. Their souls could be shattered to pieces easier than glasses.

But there are also people who look as normal as anything from the outside. Smiling. But as you get near them, you can feel how strong they are. You could tell from their eyes of how much pain they could endure and yet being thankful for every second of their lives. You can see what they've gone through, how much they have changed.

Freedom is not of what you see on the outside, but of what you experience on the inside.

*          *          *

We are now on our 22nd year walking on the face of this earth.
A sister died in Jordan on the 21st, a baby in its mother's womb didn't make it. Reminding us of what we have become, of where we're heading to, of which level our faith lies, of how, in what condition we are to face Him soon.

So much to learn, so much to change, so much to do.

so much to learn

next, World War Z

Handsome guy to die for

Girls screaming chanting dying dreaming waving to their most beloved beyond-average handsome hot guys, artists, celebrities, boyfriends, crushes, you name it. Mesmerized by every perfection, every details of their faces, eyes like being drawn from the heaven, broad shoulders, etc.

I too was like that. No joke.

But somehow, for the last 4 years surviving in Vienna, a human's-soul-grinding-machine city, surrounded by Brad-Pit-To-Be guys, i can not help but get out of this self created illusion.

Recently an arab celebrity, Omar Borkan, was deported from Saudi Arabia for being too handsome. He is like to-die-for for every girl. Being so curious, I searched his pictures, just to have a bit of a taste of this whole chaos.

And all I can experience from his photo was that it is just a photo. Nothing more. I was confused. The whole world claimed him to be one of the most handsome guy ever lived. I don't get it. Where's the beauty in him? After a long observation then only I can see that he's actually a good looking guy. But that's it. Not an inch of my heart moved. If he was ever to stand in front of me, I wouldn't care, I wouldn't stare. Not because I don't like him, but just because he's so normal to me.

I realize that the creterion of my admiration towards something or someone has changed.

I guess, I'm now in a stage where if Nick Vujicic was to propose, I would marry him.

He is but with much affection, sharp vision, strong in and out that he's able to hold you during your fall and your rise even with no limbs. With no hands but be able to embrace your heart. To support you.

He, through my definition, is handsome.

Jan 2013 Bratislava dan Budapest

You learn as you travel. 

I learn a lot from them, without them realising it.

A lot.

Downtown, Bratislava

Budapest

May Allah bless you guys. Stay steadfast on His path. 

I see potential in each and every one of you. 

Maximize your potential, guys.

0) lapar dan dahaga

Huda yang dahulunya sanggup bekerja keras, berusaha sedaya mungkin untuk mencapai sesuatu target. Huda tu dah hilang. 

Tapi...

Huda tu datang kembali ketuk pintu malam 15 Jun hari tu.

Maka berhentilah berehat dalam kesenangan, dalam zon selesa. Berhentilah berasa sedih dan takut.

Maka bangkitlah bersama kudrat, hasrat dan senjata.

Kau tengah lapar dan dahaga. Keluarlah cari air dan makanan.

Risau

TAHUN INI...

1. rakan-rakan jordan dalam jurusan perbankan islam dan ekonomi dah grad.

2. bella, firdaus, wani from US grad dalam jurusan kejuruteraan mekanikal dan kejuruteraan kimia

TAHUN DEPAN...

1. ramai rakan-rakan aku akan grad. mostly from tanah timur tengah in life sciences.

2. ramai juga dalam kalangan rakan-rakan aku di Jerman akan mengharungi tahun terakhir mereka. nak habiskan projek. praktikal. tulis bachelor thesis.

3. dan aku? tahun depan, aku bakal memulakan kos baru di TU tahun pertama dalam architecture

4. itu pun kalau pilihan aku tepat.

5. malangnya, tahap kerisauan dan tangisan aku tak dapat menjustifikasikan ketepatan pilihan/keputusan aku.

Stärke

ya Rabb,

You hear me, I know You always do. Please, give me strength. It's too hard ya Rabb, too hard for me.

Give me strength ya Rabb, and please, make it easier for me.

Ameen

ridiculous

dah mula memahami kenapa org gila gelak dan nangis at the same time

nmpk je org gila lpsni, 1st thing yg akan tdetik dlm hati: kita geng

Tembok

1. Kita berkenalan. aku masuk bilik kau, kita sembang. gurau-senda, loya buruk, lawak gelak-tawa.      Sama-sama, kita pecahkan tembok pertama.

2. "Sorry, but I have to pray now."

"Aah... you pray. That's amazing. I really like it that you care about your spirituality and yet we can talk n laugh like hell"

"Yeah, spirituality is really important to me. I need it."

"Good. I respect it." 

Tembok kedua pecah.

3. Aku pindah. Lawat dia. Waktu sujud pada Kau tiba. Aku mintak guna bilik dia. Yoga matt sbg sejadah. Buat pertama kali dia nampak aku menghadap Kau. Dia atas katil baca buku. Aku atas matt baca hati. Tembok ketiga pecah.

4. "When to go out?" 

"I have class until 4, and I will go back home to pray my evening prayer. And then I'll come."

"Ok, do. Pray first."

Tembok keempat pecah.

5. Masa makin suntuk. Suasana makin genting. Aku di sisi dia untuk semangat, dakapan, tangisan lelah dan kecewa, takut. Bersama di dalam makmal seperti burung hantu. Burung hantu untuk 24jam. Dan ya, dahi aku dah berkali-kali, berhari-hari sentuh lantai makmal. Moga tembok kelima pecah.

6. "Huda, whatever we do, whatever pains and shits we go through, it's all because of our hands, you know. Our fault." 

" I know..."

"You haven't pray your night prayer yet, right? It's almost your morning prayer."

"Oh my God! I forgot! Thanks! Ok, I pray now."

Kau sendiri yang pecahkan tembok keenam.

7. Dan akan datang tembok-tembok seterusnya dan seterusnya sehingga suatu hari nanti bahu kau bertemu bahu aku, hati kau dan hati aku bersama mengadap Dia, dahi kita sama-sama cecah lantai yang sama. 

Hari itu pasti.

Try to put yourself in other's shoes, will ya?

There are times when you have tons of things to do, heaps of problems to solve, gallons of tears to wipe, too many abstacles to go through, that you simply don't even give a shit anymore whether people hate you, not satisfied with you/your work or wish you were as good as dead.

'Cause you're just too tired to even care. 

Banyak songeh. puiii.

Susah kalau muka tak berapa nak cerah ni

Semalam, setelah sekian lama, aku kembali mengenakan tudung hitam.

'Hmm... not bad. Saudi mari.' ujarku pada diri sendiri sambil melihat cermin dan terus meluru keluar dari rumahku untuk bertemu intan payungku.

Setelah bertukar sapaan dan ciuman di pipi, intan payungku (a.k.a. Kristina) bersuara: 'Aku tak suka kau pakai tudung hitam. Dah macam bini terrorist dah aku tengok!'

OK FINEEE.....

dear Lord, You know what I've gone through. I need a hug from You.

I've always wanted a big long warm hug.
One day, I'll be in Jennah and He will hug me n comfort me, and I will cry like a baby in His arm. insyaAllah.