xde font lagi besar drpd ni ke?

P.E.N.A.T.

The sinking boat

'Kau kena buat research. dan of course, istikharah tu penting.'

It's like you are in a boat. 

And the boat is sinking. 

And you keep holding on to the pole. 

And as you realize that the water is filling the boat rapidly, you climb the pole. 

To the highest peak, hoping that you will not drown. 

But you forget, it's a sinking boat. 

How much higher can you climb?

You know you have to let go off the pole, dive into the ocean and start swimming.

You know you can swim, but you're not sure how good. 

You're afraid.

You don't know.

And with every thought that comes inside your mind, 

with every detail that you take into consideration,

the clock is ticking.

The boat is sinking.

You know to hold on to the pole is a wrong choice.

Or at least you think so.

Or no, you just don't know.

And you know that you can swim.

But is it THE right choice to swim?

You don't want a choice. You're tired of any random choice.

You want the choice. The. Let it be the right one.

So, you still are holding on to the pole. Half drown.

But you forget,

by choosing to swim, 

you may not know what lies ahead,

you may not even survive the ocean,

but it's an indicator

of how much trust you've put on Him

to let go off the pole and dive.

There are so many ways on how to cross the ocean. 

Sailing a boat is just one of them. 

Ya Rabb, may architecture be the right one.

Lima - The cleaning lady

Walking down the street feeling lost and depressed, seeing various types of races rushing, passing by, you couldn't help but to wonder what do they have in their minds. What are they thinking? What do they feel? thankful? satisfied? happy? sad? worried?

And you randomly examined their facial expression. Their body language. One by one.

'They don't have Allah. How then do they survive? How then do they cope with all these tensions, stress being poured onto them? Are they normal? Is it normal not having anything to hang on to?'

And as you walk down the street, in the opposite direction of the oldest church in Vienna, Stephansdom with only one tower, you catch a glimpse of her. You knew her long ago. She looks like any typical Austrian's Oma. Grey hair, wrinkled face, thin pale skin, short and quite pumpy. You smile, for it was almost 3 years since you last saw her. 

The cleaning lady from your school. The one who you used to smile, greet, talk to, and to whom you tell your problems to, accompanied by her mops, broomsticks, pails and all. Yup, she's the one. No doubt.

'Hallo! Schon lange nicht mehr gesehen! Wie geht's Ihnen?' (Hallo! Long time no see! How are you?) 

'Na, hallo! Nicht so gut, dir?' (Oh, hallo! Not that well, you?) 

'Gut, danke. Ich studiere jetzt an der TU. Ich hab schon seit langem die Schule nicht besucht.' (Good, thanks. I am studying in TU now. I haven't visited the school for ages.) 

'Ich bin nicht mehr in der Schule. Ich bin krank, hab Nieren- und Rückenproblem. Sie sagten, dass ich ins Pension gehen muss, da es schlecht für meine Gesundheit ist zu arbeiten. Aber ich brauche Geld.' (I'm no longer in the school. I'm sick. I have problem with the nerv and back. They told me to quit my job as the work is effecting my health. But I need money.)

Everyone has problem. It's not the matter of whether it is big or small. It's the matter of how you deal with it. Your attitude towards it. Problem comes not just by chance. It has a specific, distinct purpose to come, to happen, to enter your life.

The same type of problem will come to you if you don't change. There is always something in you that you need to change. And to look for what that really is, to figure it out, is not an easy job. Find it anyway. Dig the inner you. Find it, understand how and why it is like that, find the source and change it. And ask for His guidance for only He can give you Light. Change.

Else the very same problem will come to you and stays enveloping your life.

The common mistake we make: we want to change, but there is no one there offering us a helping hand. 
Although we lived long enough to understand that there's no one in this world who can help us, only you can help yourself. And you knew too well that what you are saying is merely an excuse. A perfect escape.

*             *              *

You hug her before bidding goodbye. She hugs you tight. You can feel the desperate need of support, of something to hang on to from her brace. With all the troubles that come knocking your door, you know what a warm hug means. Almost everything. Without Him you are alone. 

'Vergiss mich bitte nicht. Und ich werde dich nie vergessen. Nie.' (Please, don't forget me. And I will never forget you. Never.) 

'Nein, werde ich nicht. Nie' (No, I'll never do. Never.) 

You answer with a smile, your eyes looking right to hers.

How can you forget someone who cheered you up in the locker room on your first time entering an alient school with an alient language?

In dieser kapitalistischen Welt: Zeit = Geld

I cried last Sunday while having breakfast with her. And today, while having lunch, she cried.

It's not that it's easy for both of us to shed tears. No, on the contrary, both would make jokes out of our problems. We make jokes on how stupid we are not being able to manage life, not being able to control ourselves. And we laugh about it. Sarcastically.

Grotesque.

"If I were to choose between €5 000 000.00 and you, I would choose you, Huda."

That comes from someone having terrible financial crisis, super complex life problem and above all, from someone who really means every single word she utters.

Not everybody cries because of sadness. One does also cry out of frustration, depression, the stress and because og the responsibility heavily weighted on his/her shoulder.

Help us

O Allah,
please, I'm begging You, help us,
for it is not easy to be the youngsters of our time,
for it is not easy to stay steadfast in Your Path in this time,
for it is not easy to practice Your Way in this era,

with what the world has to offer,
with all the temptations served on our tables.

Help us, make us strong.
Help us, to help ourselves.

Ameen. 

Story of our ancestor

I couldn't help smiling when I read my uncle's post (Paet, my most favourite Onkel of all time) in his blog: http://pening-pala.blogspot.co.at

He wrote something I have always put my interest in. Our lineage.

"Keturunan dari Pattani, selatan Thai, moyang aku, Hj.Yunus (salah silah Tok Hajar, nenek sebelah ayah) yang merupakan seorang pendakwah dari Pattani suatu ketika dahulu datang ke kampung aku dan membuka penempatan di situ. Hj. Yunus dikatakan letah berkahwin dengan anak Haji Kecik (nama asal 'ki chi' sebelum datang ke tanah melayu), juga seorang pendakwah yang datang dari Goa, India dengan menaiki tongkang."

Ummi told me once: 

'Kita ni kaum kerabat Raja Pattani. Raja Siam time tu nak hapuskan Islam kat Pattani, so dia halau habis semua kerabat Raja Pattani keluar dari Pattani kalau tak mau kena pancung.' 

Not sure if she really meant it, or it was a joke. But I took it seriously at that time with opened mouth (mulut ternganga tahap aku xtau nak kata cena)

'Ummi boleh cakap Siam?'

'Tak, yang last boleh cakap Tok Ajaq (moyang aku) ja pun.'

'Ala... tapi Uda takda pun meh-meh muka Siam ke, Ummi putih, Iman putih, Yam putih, Uda takda pun tanda-tanda keturunan Siam...'

'Muka senang merah tu, Siam lah tu. Boleh lah...'

Pun boleh~ 

The story is also quite interesting from Abah's side. With Turkish lineage, our forefather was a merchant (? pedagang).  should ask him more about this.  

Bring mich weit von hier

O Allah,

take me away from this sickness. sickness of heart, body and mind.

take me far far away from my sin, my ugly disgusting unbearable sin and though i feel shameful to beg for this, bring me closer to you.

ameen.