bist du wirklich das?

echt verwirrend.
wem soll ich zuhören?
wem soll ich mal richtig zuhören?
dem Gehirn oder dem Herzen?

Go

Stark zu sein.

Du findest deine Stärke nicht,
wenn du einfach nur warten bis sie zu dir kommt.
Einfach zu Hause bleiben,
auf dem Bett liegen,
und über dein Leben und dein Schicksal denken
und auf die Hilfe warten.

Nein.
Deine Stärke kommt erst,
wenn du hilfsbereit bist,
wenn du jemand anderem hilfst.
Dann weißt du ganz genau,
wo deine Stärke liegt.

No need to play. You loose. Booo.

They are scared, aren't they?

scared to see us struggling.
n they,
they envy us
because we strive for the best.

but they know
they cant do it. not like the way we did it
'cause they dont see the point.
the whole point.

they have nothing
that's why they are so scared.

if u shake them,
nothing comes out

'cause they are
EMPTY

das gegenwärtige Leben ist viel wichtiger... glaub mir

Everybody has his/her own story to tell.

We remember our past.

Don't dwell upon it.

Upon the past.

Be it bitter or sweet. Or bittersweet.

What's past is in the past.

Look forward and move on.

It ain't worth it. To dwell on it.

I'm tellin' ya. 

Die Priorität

"To be loved is a good thing, but to love is the greatest privilege of them all."

Sensibel

Der Herz ist kein Spielplatz.

Nicht meiner zumindest.

Nichts ist einfach

The truth is
you don't even know what you really want.

Anhalten.
Zurückkehren.
Nachdenken.
Überlegen.

Du weißt es

Don't ever expect miracles to just fall off from the sky.
Create one.

Yes. Create miracles.

It's in your hand. And you've lived long enough to know that it's true.

Freude

She called me around 2:00 a.m.

' Ich bin da. I'm down stairs.'

I went down. Rushing. I wanted to hug her. 

She went back to russia for Christmas and new year.  

Her mum and boyfriend were there.

Less than 4 weeks. But it seemed like ages.

I opened the front door. I hugged her tight in the freezing cold winter. 

Mein Herz weint vor Freude.

Ich liebe sie.

I love her. So much. 

Das Überleben

And this girl, Miho, survived.

(She almost died at the side of the pathway, when Abah found her on the way to his office. She was a baby at that time. Someone heartless dumped her. Abah brought her home. Abah had to let the water ran through his finger so that it would go into Miho's mouth. Miho couldn't drink, she was too weak. She fought hard to survive, to breathe once more.) 

Willkommen in Wien

Vienna, as what Kristina said, is a human-grinding machine.

(and a soul-grinding machine too)

Der Mensch

Beri betis, nak paha

We want, and we get it, and we demand for more.

Human are never satisfied.

Möge Gott mir vergeben

Sickness and pain are kafarah...

If sickness and pain were to wash out all my sins, 

I bet I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore.

I guess, that's why attaining forgiveness from Him means the world to them,

to those who reflect. 

gibt's noch was zu sagen?

TIRED.

Ich will raus

I just want to get out.

Out.
Out.
Out.

Meine Wahl

If I choose to ignore, I will ignore.
If I choose to listen, I will listen.
If I choose to shut up, I will shut up.
If I choose to hurt you, I will hurt you.
If I choose to close my heart, I will try hard to close it.

Close that one door.
And open up the other one.
The one that I should have opened long ago.
That one door,
which allows the Light enters my heart
and helps me escape from the darkness.

I decide what to choose, you don't choose for me. Never.

Ich suche nach Deiner Liebe, O Der Erbarmer, Der Barmherzigen

our hearts, moaning every nights, hurt.
our hearts, desperate in need of peace.
our hearts are so miserably confused,
our hearts, yearning for something,
our hearts are covered up with dark pitch black spots,

our hearts are empty,
longing to be filled in.

Nicht immer so...

just because we are smiling, doesn't mean we have no pain.
just because we are moving, doesn't mean that nothing is pulling us really hard to keep us behind.
just because we are laughing, doesn't mean that we are not hurt.
just because we are 'relaxing', doesn't mean we have no problem.
just because we are spending, doesn't mean we have money.
just because we are talking, doesn't mean nobody is insulting us.


because we are just too fed up, too tired, too exausted to even bother.
we choose to ignore.  

verwirkliche Glauben und Hoffnung

(have faith and hope)

Tired.

Tired of being patient.
Tired of pushing yourself.
Tired of hating your weakness.
Tired of repeating the same mistakes.
Tired of believing.

Tired of pretending.
Tired of holding back tears.
Tired of holding grudge.

"Holding grudge is like drinking poison and waiting the other person to die."

Tired of waiting.
Tired of expecting.
Tired of explaining.
Tired of giving.
Tired of keeping it down.

Tired.

in desperate need of a change.
but for a change to last, it has to start from small steps.
but with every step you take, you feel like stepping on thorns.
you thought/you expect with every change you've made, you can at last smell the scent of the roses, touch the softness of their petals,
but each steps you take, you feel the pain of the thorns pricking, stabbing your feet.

So, you doubt.

Mein Ziel

At the end of the day, it is His heaven that we want to enter.

unterstützen

Bitte,
wenn du mir was sagen möchtest,
sag es einfach...

Ich urteile dich nicht. Nie.

Ich bin immer da für einen guten* Freund/ eine gute* Freundin.
Ich bin immer da für sie, auch wenn sie nur jemanden für einen Spaziergang braucht, bin ich da für sie. Weil sie eine gute* Freundin ist.

*'gut' nach meiner Definition

Wenn du irgendwas brauchst, sag es einfach.
Wenn du irgendwas sagen willst, sag es einfach.

Niemand kann allein leben. Ich bin auch ein Mensch.

MIHO

I'm sorry, girl. But I just have to do this. 

Wie soll ich eine Antwort erwarten, wenn es doch keine Frage gibt?

Du,

ich weiß es nicht.

Entweder ich ein Verrückter bin,

oder 

oder 

oder

du hast...

Nein. Lass es einfach so.

Vermutung ist nicht gut. Nicht immer gut.

Ehrlich gesagt,

ich weiß es nicht. Ich weiß es einfach nicht.

Und ich,

ich gehe einfach weiter.

Vier - Die Liebe

One sense people always neglect. The sense of smell. You remember things by the way they smell.

It was the scent of autumn. 

The smell of the autumn rain.

You walked to school. About an hour or so.

Trees with dark branches, trunks. 

Wet leaves golden in colour.

The calmness of the silence. Yes, even silence had smell.

The smell of something new.

Something new was coming.

Everything was new to you. Too new.

While walking, you realized something. You are alone in this world. Only He can help you.

Your friends asked you wether you were alone there in Vienna.

You said, no. You had your mum and your youngest sister.

They said, oh.. then, it was not a big deal, at least you had your family.

Well,

it was either you were in a city with 30+ friends under the same scholarship taking the same course you were taking and having each other for support, plus having seniors who could throw you welcoming parties, who could guide you with your studies, provide you with information, etc.  

OR

you had no one except your mum and your youngest sister.

For a year. Then, you were on your own. 

In your case, it was your mum and your sister.

And you are ever so thankful for that, until now.

'Coz you knew, even if you were with thousands of friends, it would not be the same as  being with your mum and your sister.

Not the same.

.

.

.

Und ich hoffe, eines Tages wirst du auch dieselbe Liebe kriegen. Diese starke Liebe von den Eltern (von der Familie), die dir schon seit langem fehlt. Diese starke, nicht beschreibbare, rückhaltlose Liebe. Wenn es nicht von den Eltern wäre, dann würdest du sie von jemand anderem kriegen. Jemand mit reinem Herzen. Jemand, der für dich ist. Weil ich fest daran glaube, dass jeder, der an Gott vertraut, diese Liebe verdient. Und du bist einer von denen. Du bist immer mit Ihm, und Er ist immer mit dir. 

Du hast im Schatten geweint. Du hast viel erlebt. Du überlebst. Du ... Du verdienst sie. 

bin damit einverstanden

"Follow your heart,

but take your brain with you."

-Medical Humour-

Individualität

"You laugh at me because I'm different,

I laugh at you because you are all the same."

-Medical Humour-

Hey, du!

Du bist stark. Sehr stark.
Du bist nicht wie die durchschnittlichen Menschen. Du bist mehr als die.

Und ich,
ich glaube fest an dich.

Ich bin fest daran geglaubt, dass ich es schaffen kann.

Keep on moving, keep your faith...

Drei - Latein (1)

7. Klasse, mit der Frau Direktorin.

'Was wirst du an der Universität studieren?'
'Chemie.'
'Dann nimmst du lieber Latein.'
'Okay.'

Latein. Latin. A dead language.

For it to be grammatically so complex, so complicated, one can only understand why it is a dead language. Furthermore, during those days, it was spoken only by the upper class, the aristocrats.

90% of the pupils in your class took spanish. And of course, being Austrians, none of them told you that you should take spanish. None.

90% of the pupils in Latin class were girls. A very 'good' start. And there was only one boy from your class who took Latin. But it made no difference. He skipped classes most of the time. So, there you were, alone.

They started off with Latin in the 5th grade. Which means, you had to study the syllabus from the 5th and 6th class all by yourself. With the help of Prof. Robineau of course. You stayed back after class, to sit with her, one-to-one, to keep up with your Latin.

You couldn't even cope with German. And now you had Latin.
You couldn't even cope with German grammar. And now you had to study Latin grammar.
You couldn't even write a good 10-lines essay in German. And now you had to translate the Latin text into German.

Prof. Robineau didn't only have to correct your German-translated Latin text, she also had to correct your horrible German grammar and sentence structure. Your translated texts were all over red with arrows, crossed words, ticks, crosses, commas, etc.

She looked at you, as you looked at your papers.
'Es muss sehr schwierig für dich sein.'
You merely nodded.

  

Ehrlich gesagt

Dieses Bild beschreibt genau meine jetzige Situation...

 kann nichts mehr sagen

The Ugly Truth

weißt du das?

'The most effective treatments for battling depression are exercise and spending time with pets'

did-you-kno.tumblr.com

Naja, das Wort 'defeat' weiß ich auch nicht... :)

"Today's defeat is the seed of tomorrow's victory. Let's rise up. 'cause we don't know the meaning of the words 'give up'."

-Marakov-

Hoch hinaus wollen

ganz ganz hoch hinaus wollen (to aim very very high)

'Whoever fears climbing the mountain, stays forever in the ditch'

-Arab sayings-

Hören und denken

Some say it's not true.

MUSIC DEFINES WHO YOU ARE

But you know however that there are a great deal of truth in it.
Your (music)genre varies, changes along with your age.
You choose what you want to hear.
What your being want to feel.

So, music does define who you are.

MALU

Next time you think about giving up,
pi ketuk pala dekat dinding biaq smpi bedarah.
Orang len berempaih pulaih carik duet nak blajaq tak dapat.
Hang duet masok akaun elok ja, nak bising².

Hang ingat Allah bagi saja² duet, rezki bagai dapat tidoq ataih karpet?
Dalam qerta (baca: harta) hang dpt tu, bukan semua hak hang. Ada hak org len skali.

Otak Allah bagi tu guna la, pikiaq biaq tinggi² sket.
Tanggungjawab hang pi letak mana?
Toksah buat malu diri sendiri la...
Orang len takdak kaki tangan tau tanggungjawab, depa buat habih mampu.

Esok dalam kuboq hang nak jawab apa? 

ER ist immer da für dich

Bumi Allah ni luas.

If you don't feel belonged here, there sure are places where you will feel being accepted, feel belonged.

After all, we are all His creation. Yes, even the hearts, even the feelings. All are His creations.

Keep on seeking, and you will find. If not here, then there, in the hereafter...

Zwei - Mein Art, Mein Weg

Because of Deutsch...
She compared it with her English back then...

'Tutup buku. Buka buku balik. Tutup buku. Tulis balik.'

You did that with 'Psychologie' and 'Geografie' and 'Geschichte'.
Yes, you had to take 13 subjects in the 7th Grade (7. Klasse):

1. Deutsch
2. Englisch
3. Mathematik
4. Geschichte und Politik
5. Geografie und Wirtschaft
6. Latein
7. Psychologie
8. Bussiness English
9. Informatik
10. AÖK
11. Chemie
12. Physik
13. Englisch (Vertiefend)
14. Turnen
15. Biologie (8th Grade)

Everything was in german? Yes, everything. Except the subject english itself.

B1- Deutsch was nothing in compare to 7th Grade. You couldn't understand anything what they said in class. You wanted to be in the conversation but you just couldn't. The language barrier was too big, too huge. 

'Bukak buku. Tutup buku. Tulis balik.'

Sorry. You tried that. And you know how horrible it was, just to miss one single sentence and then you were completely lost. You failed the exams.

You knew, you couldn't survive like that.

To you, that was not the way. At least, not YOUR way.

You are the type of person who need to comprehend most of the thing you do.

Memorization wasn't your strength. You knew it long ago.

You are not like her.

You just couldn't do it, the way she did.

And it was not something shameful.

You admitted your weakness, and you found the other way.

Just, please, don't compare. No one is the same. Be it your cousin, twins, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, uncles, etc.

You can not treat people, judge people, the way you judge you.

WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT

Eins - Angst

You were there...

You didn't know what to expect. You were scared. Dead scared.

You had doubt.

But you had this flame inside you. 

You had always wanted to start it all over again.

Not to repeat the same horrible mistake you once did back then. In the boarding school.

You wanted to proof that you've learned your lesson.

So much so, that you didn't care how hard the task ahead would be.

You just wanted to start it all over again.

Your eyes were fixed on the only one goal.

Even the teachers were amazed at what you did on the very first day in that Gymnasium. 

Billrothgymnasium. 19th District.

You were like a horse. Racing and racing and racing.

But then you realized, you were not well equipped. And nobody told you that.

Not even her. She merely kept quiet, letting the flame inside you consumed you.

You were not well equipped. You understood almost nothing.

You tried hard to speed up. Then you stumbled. You realized that it was not enough... what you had. You needed more. Then only you could speed.

But you were too young to even think.

You were too scared to admit that you couldn't.

Too young to realize that you could actually shout, demanding to choose another road.

You were too dependent.

So, the only thing you could do at that time was to get on bed, pulled the quilt, and cried silently inside. 

Under the quilt, you shouted out your frustration only you could hear, 

tears streamed fast. 

You didn't know what to do.

Scared. 

Größe ist kein Hinderniss

It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world

-Chaos Theory-

Der Schatten