Geh weiter und weiter

The feeling that you get,

after endless times 

of reading,

of trying to understand,

of being patient,

of keeping your hopes up,

of crying your heart out,

of knowing how hard it is,

of believing that one day you'll get it,

of hoping it'll get better,

to finally be able to comprehend that very same paragraph, that very same subject, that very same slides, 

is just undescribable.

All you can do at that time was to prostrate to your Lord. coz you know without Him, you'll be no where near to this achievement. 

But one thing left unsettled. 

Does it really take this much to get to this stage? How about the other subjects, the other practicals, the other labs, the other exams? Do they also demand such output, such courage, such strength, such patience? 'Cause the truth is, I can't help but to feel tired with all these.

And I wonder, is it because of the language barrier, or it is just me, or is it something else?

Hang on there

She used to tell me this:

'Huda, have you ever had this feeling? That even if you are among your closest friends, even if you are with your family, even while you are laughing out loud, deep inside you know for sure that your are alone in this world.'

Yes, dear Kristina. I have had that feeling and still am having it. This world was never meant to be forever. It was never made permanent. And our heart strives for something eternal. 

Every time I was on the train (usually Austria-Germany-Austria), that feeling, that very same thought never left me. Never. Yes, we are alone in this world. You'll never feel belonged anywhere in this world. You are not belonged here.

We come from heaven, that's our home. And I'm on my way back, home, insyaAllah

It's not motivation that you need, what you need is desire

Penat.
Penat lawan dengan diri sendiri.

Takut.
Takut kalah dengan diri sendiri.

Empat - We are here for a higher purpose

I was on my way to TU (Technische Universität Wien) when I felt the vibration of the mobile phone in my pocket.

 'Hammam Abu Alkass' appeared on the screen.

I didn't hear from him for quite sometimes, the last time was when we were in the library. I helped him with Grundlagen der Chemie PS (Fundamental of Chemistry). It was one of the three main subjects (STEOP), namely Anorganische Chemie, Analytische Chemie, Grundlagen der Chemie, that we needed to pass in order to stay in Technical Chemistry. You are allowed to repeat the paper only once. The third time would be Komissionelle Prüfung, where there will be four professors examining you, either written or oral exams. 

He failed once and went for the second trial .

'Hallo, Hammam. Wie geht's?'
(Hi Hammam. How are you?)

'Ja, gut, danke. Huda, ich hab' eine Frage.'
(Yes, good. Thanks. Huda, I have a question.)

'Ja.'
(Yes)

'Kann man troztdem fürs Labor eintreten, obwohl man die STEOP noch nicht geschafft hat?'
(Is one still allowed to register for the lab course even though he hasn't completed his STEOP yet?)

I paused for a few second. He muss have failed the second trial.

'Ich weiß es nicht, Hammam. Aber ich kann es bei der Fachschaft fragen. Du hast den Test nicht geschafft, oder?' 
(I don't know, Hammam. But I can ask the student department about it. You failed the test, right?)

'Ja.' 
(Yes)

I knew how it feel. I still had one more chance for analytical chemistry. If I missed it, then there is no good reason for me to stay here in Vienna. If I were him, I would have thought that this could be the end of the world. No chance for technical chemistry anymore. I would have sit at the corner of the room regretting every single second that I've wasted on something else. 

But this guy, no. He worked like a horse. Eyes fixed in front. Mata tengok depan je. Tak pandang belakang langsung. He tried to get the job done, to go for any other possibilities to make it right, to make it done. You failed this, yes. But there were a lot more to be done. He didn't waste his energy regretting on that matter, 'cause he knew, he already tried.

Judging from our conversation on the phone, his German had improved a lot. I mean, A LOT. The first time I met him, he couldn't even explain where he was going. He couldn't understand it when I explained to him the marking system in TU.

So much to learn from a Palestinian guy.

Einer der wichtigsten Teile meines Lebens

5 orang yang aku beri kepercayaan penuh dan aku rasa sangat berkebolehan untuk menceritakan hal aku atau keperibadian aku kalau ada orang minat kat aku n nak tau lebih lanjut pasai aku n konon nak datang minang ka kan ialah:

1.  Ummi
2.  Abah
3.  Iman
4.  Yam
5.  Kristina

    6.   Kucing-kucing aku, kalau mereka boleh berkata-kata :)

Tea bags

She was lying on her bed with two small black wet sacks covering both of her eye lids and the perimeter of her eyes. Appeared frozen like a stone, she was not moving even an inch. Being so curious, I walked towards her.

'Jangan kacau Yam lah.' she murmed annoyed at my presence. Or I would say embarrased at her current situation. Nevertheless, not an inch of her body moved.

Then I realised it was two wet tea bags that was covering her eyes.

'Apa la boh uncang teh kat mata. Mana nak hilang sembam doh.'

'Ada... Yam tengok internet dia kata jadi.'

'Ya lah, tapi orang bukak isi uncang teh tu lumur habis kat mata. Direct treatment kot. Baru jadi.'

'Mana ada orang buat kerja gila camtu!'

And I walked out of the room.

The next morning I went to her room only to find her busy cleaning her bed. With a stressed out face, she took off her bed lining and pillow cases, lifting it up high in the air and hitting it hard with her hand.

'Awak kibas apa ni?'

'Awak lah ni kata keluarkan isi uncang tu. Habis dah kering serbuk tu lekat kat muka Yam pagi ni. Pastu habis dia jatuh-jatuh kat katil Yam!' she was clearly mad.

'Awak buat betul-betul???' after 5 seconds... BAHAHAHAHAHA!

'Tak nak kawan awak!!' 

Penangan Aladin

Perempuan.

Tiga pulak tu.

Masalah dengan perempuan, gaduh la teruk mana pun sampai rasa nak pindah rumah, nak bunuh-membunuh, rahsia peribadi tetap dok sembang kencang sesama sendiri. Bak kata Iman, awat la kita bongok sangat dulu-dulu, dah tau rahsia for sure akan pecah baik punya kalau dok share antara kita, tapi gatai nak share jugak.

Ya, setiap malam kami tiga beradik akan bermesyuarat di atas katil. Dengan lampu terpadam, supaya senang nak kembali ke posisi pura-pura tidur bila Ummi datang check tengah-tengah malam. 

'Awak jangan bagitau abah tau, Iman hilang pembaris kat sekolah.'

'Eee... sian awak. Uda pun. Tapi uda hilang pemadam sekali.'

'Yam, pinjam pensil please. Spot-check esok abah nak tengok. Awak tak kena.'

Maka Yam yang dalam lingkungan tujuh tahun itu dengan penuh innocentnya akan meminjamkan pembarisnya kepada Iman.

Pada suatu malam berikutnya.

'Uda suka sorang budak laki ni, Dia kelas sebelah.'

'Ooo! Iman tau. Hensem².

Ya, nampak sangat akrab di situ. Akan tetapi, kami juga akan menggunakan rahsia-rahsia yang telah diamanahkan ke atas kami ini untuk kepentingan diri.

Mungkin juga dek terpengaruh cerita Aladin- Walt Disney, - dan setiap kali ulang tayang kartun tu kami tiga beradik akan minta Ummi belikan harimau sebagai binatang peliharaan - kami nampak pelbagai kelebihan yang dapat diperoleh dalam Three Wishes tu. Esok anak aku sorang pun aku tak kasi tengok Aladin. Never.

'Yam jangan bagi tau abah!! Uda dah tak suka dia dah laaaa!'

'Nak bagitahu jugak!'

'Janganlah!'

'Ok, macam tu Yam nak tiga permintaan.'

Maka, siapa yang terperangkap terpaksalah menunaikan ketiga-tiga permintaan itu seperti mengemas bilik (sebab kami kongsi bilik), buatkan air especially air sunkist limau, basuhkan kasut dan lain-lain lagi yang kadang tu tak tercapai dek akal pun, dengan harapan rahsia-rahsia kerajaannya tak bocor sampai ke pengetahuan abah.

'Bagitau abah awak hilang pemadam.'

'Mana ada... ada je tetinggal kat sekolah!'

'Tipu Uda tahu. Bagitau abah gak.'

'Ok lah, ok lah'

'Ok nak tiga permintaan.'

Selalunya kesengsaraan orang yang terperangkap tu insyaAllah akan berakhir pada permintaan ke- 3. Sampailah pada suatu hari, Iman telah mengupgrade sistem murni Three Wishes kami ke peringkat seterusnya. 

'Permintaan ke-3 Iman ialah Iman nak lagi 3 permintaan.'