Tisu

Aku cerita dekat Kristina perihal Cica. Semoga dia dalam kalangan orang-orang yang beriman di sana. Sebak.

'Nak tisu please...'

'Ok, tapi satu je, sebab dia ada gambar burung hantu comel. Aku tak nak bagi dia habis.'

'Bagi je la aku tisu normal.'

'Ambik je lah!'

Tisu pun boleh gaduh...

*         *         *

Sejak aku tukar kos Architecture, dan sejak dia tinggal sebumbung dengan boyfriend dia, jarang kami dapat berjumpa pada hujung minggu. Jadi, terpaksalah kami mencuri masa berjumpa pada hari minggu, seperti hari ni, lepas habis kelas. Itu pun hampir tak jadi. Janji pukul 3.45 petang. Pukul 5 pun tak sampai-sampai. Sejuk kau tahu tahan angin Oktober ni. Lama sangat ke kak makan tengah hari dengan boyfriend? Kalau suami tak pa juga... 

'Tak yah jumpa lah hari ni... tak sempat dah kot. Aku nak basuh baju, study. Jumpa la bila-bila nanti.' nada aku hambar, sambil kerut dahi. pegang fon nak tak nak.

'Ok.'

'Ciao.'

'Ciao.'

Aku tahan rasa marah. Rasa nak menangis.

5 minit kemudian dia telefon balik.

'Aku nak jumpa kau jugak hari ni. Aku nak buat hot chocolate, beli cupcakes. Aku jumpa kau kat rumah kau.'

'Tak yah lah.'

'Aku gi rumah kau sekarang.'

'Jumpa kat Donau la. Aku kat Donau ni dari tadi.' 

Russian kalau mereka kata A, kau buat lah apa pun, tak guna, tak akan jadi B.

*      *      *

Dia datang dengan cupcakes. Hot chocolates. Kau ni Kristina, duit dah la tak da, sanggup kau kan, semata-mata nak minta maaf. Dulu, masa dia berduit, dia selalu belanja aku makan. Sekarang, dia susah, sesak. Dah lebih separuh tahun dah, kalau keluar makan, aku yang belanja dia.

Aku peluk dia kuat-kuat.

'Hari ni dekat U-Bahn (subway), aku nampak sorang perempuan ni. Muda. Tak terurus. Dia bawak luggage.'

'Pastu?' aku tanya dia, duduk atas bench kayu mengadap Donau sambil kunyah cupcakes.

'Dia menangis. Aku rasa dia lari dari rumah. Tak pun kena halau.'

'Pastu?'

'Pastu aku berhenti depan dia. Aku hulurkan tisu burung hantu aku. Pastu aku cakap Alles wird ok (Everything will be fine). Aku bla. Aku pandang belakang, Dia senyum kat aku.'

'Dia akan ingat tu sampai bila-bila. Percayalah.'

Bukan sebab tisu, tapi sebab masih ada sebilangan kecil manusia punya hati macam kau dekat bumi Eropah ni.

sorry and love

cara orang rusia meminta maaf adalah dengan membeli cupcakes dan membawa hot chocolates dalam thermos, minta jumpa dekat sungai donau

kalau bukan rusia pun, at least kristina...

7) Perbezaan

Beza Technische Chemie dan Architektur adalah:

selama 2 tahun belajar tech.chem, sorang pun kawan tech.chem tak pernah jejak rumah aku (inikan nak masak untuk dorang... puii...)

Kawan Architecture kenal tak sampai seminggu, dah keluar makan, usha city, masakkan untuk dorang, datang rumah, pakat nak share duit beli buku. makan malam rumah aku, etc.

selama 2 tahun belajar tech chem, aku tak kenal sorang pun senior. (mata aku memang tak boleh scan orang hidung tinggi, bajet bagus kot?)

Architecture, tak sampai seminggu, dah berapa orang senior architecture dah aku kenal.

Dan 1st time dalam hidup aku, aku tak rasa bodoh dengan orang sekeliling.  

Tak tahu badi Soviet apa Kristina bawa...

salah seorang kawan hang-out Architektur aku (yg plg rapat) mix German-Ukraine.

6) sentap utk minggu pertama

There are times when you are speechless and totally blown away that the only thing you can say is:

ALHAMDULILLAH

HE hears your heart screaming. HE always does.

5) Mula

Beza antara tahu dan faham
Beza antara suka dan mahu

Aku pilih faham dan mahu.

Kerana yang kedua itu memerlukan pengorbanan, bermain dengan risiko, pengukur tahap ketegasan (seriousness) kau.
Kerana yang kedua itu lebih kuat daripada yang pertama.

Bismillah

kesian

That feeling... 

to be able to sepak muka seseorang itu disebabkan ejaannya yang over the top, cth: akew, sukew, nyeww, boleyh, sejuwk, niey...

Ya Allah, dah 2013 pun wujud lagi kah makhluk sebegini? Keyboard rosak ke, bang? Hilang hurop ke? Looser ke loner? ke dua-dua skali? Generasi aku pun dah tak buat dah kerja-kerja sedemikian dek sedar betapa annoying dan pls-la-tak-comel-pon perbuatan itu. Bagi kasut lagi ada la...

You clearly proved me right that IQ and EQ are two different things... LOL... kesian...

1) Baju

Boleh tak nak pakai baju kelawar pi kelas?

Ciao. Salam.

mein lieber guter Freund da in Jordanien,

danke für die beste vier Tagen, die wir zusammen verbracht haben. Es war eine schöne Zeit, obwohl ich damals so viel im Kopf hatten, über mein Problem, Studium, Stipendium, Eltern, usw.

Du hast mich von meinem Albtraum gerettet. Ich war einfach ein blinder Mensch, auf diesen unglaublich super komischen, unheimlichen Kerl zu stehen. Er war einfach falsch. Nicht nur war er viel zu alt für mich (ÜBER 7 Jahren Unterschied, kannst du's dir glauben?), sein Benehmen war einfach absurd für seinen Alter. Er benimmt wie ein völlig unreifer Jung trotz sein 'hoher' IQ.  Wie ich in ihn mal verliebt habe, hab ich keine einzige Ahnung. Danke, dass du es mir  gezeigt hast, dass du mich gerettet hast. Sonst würde ich noch blind, oder schlimmer... blinder.

Ich weiß, früher oder später, müssen wir unseren eigenen Weg nehmen. Du mit deinem Weg, ich mit meinem. Die Natur des Lebens nennt man das, nicht wahr?

Ich bin immer dankbar, mit dir befreundet zu sein. Du bist ein guter Mensch. Viele Gelegenheiten stehen vor dir. Nimm sie! Du hast so viel in dir, deine Fähigkeiten, deine Stärke. Nutz sie!

Danke für alles, alles Gute, mach's gut. Ich bete die Beste für dich.

Tschüss

(kein 'auf Wiedersehen', weil ich weiß nicht, ob ich dich wiedersehen will. Keine Ahnung. Trotzdem bin ich dankbar, dass du einmal ein Teil von der Geschichte meines Lebens war.)

What a looser

A looser is, despite having all that money that you could actually treat your friends once in a while for dinner, let your friend pay first the dinner instead ('cause you have big notes only n no small bill n like the restaurant can never cope with your $100 bill), though your friend is under a scholarship and much in need of money, and you pretend to forget paying him/her back and needed to be reminded that you owe him/her.

Aku pun naik malu la wei nak ungkit. puii.

Geld

'As long as there is profit in war, the world will never know peace.'

org Quraisy dulu bengang bantah sangat dengan nabi s.a.w. bukan sebab depa tak terima Allah tu satu, depa tau ja islam bawa kebenaran, tapi depa risau, islam bawa kebenaran perjuangkan hak semua orang sama taraf, maka 'ekonomi' mereka akan terjejas, untung depa dok kaut hasil eksploitasi daripada sistem rakyat bertaraf kasta tu melimpah-ruah kot.

sama la dengan sekarang. Western tu bukan kebuloq sangat pun nak kata agama depa betul, islam tu salah. Tapi depa risau zon selesa depa akan terjejas. Sebab islam tegakkan kebenaran.

Kalau betul la Western ni nak sangat pejuangkan 'hak' kaum wanita, dan konon kata islam ni menyekat hak hawa, dah lama Saudi jadi sasaran utama. Perempuan kat Saudi mana boleh drive kereta.

Tapi kenapa dunia tak heboh pasal ni?

Sebab Saudi jaga poket depa. Depa tutup mulut. Habis cerita. The End.

i beliu Ummi, i beliu Abah

Kami sekeluarga gila tengok cerita/movie hantu.

Masa kecik-kecik, abah akan balik rumah dari kerja, dekat tangan abah mesti ada CD hantu baru.

Semua bentang alas atas lantai. Kami tak da sofa, sampai aku form 2 tak silap. Baring atas lantai. Ummi hujung kanan, abah hujung kiri. Kami 3 beradik dikapit tengah-tengah. Tutup lampu. Menjerit punya dasyat macam la hantu tu nak keluar skrin.

Then, mesti ada ja yang tertidur separuh jalan. selalunya Yam. Jadi abah kena angkat mereka-mereka yang tertidur tu, bawa masuk bilik.

Dan abah akan kiss goodnite kat pipi atau dahi.

Yam dulu pelat, 'i love u' jadi 'i beliu'...

how do anak yatim survive? they must be real strong

balik rumah, nak peluk abah kuat-kuat. Tak nak lepaskan abah. I miss the warmness in his hug. Rindu abah panggil 'sayang'.

A girl's confidence and strength is directly propotional to her man's love.

Men play such a HUGE role in girls life.

Ya Rabb, jangan ambil abah lagi, pls.

4) tarik nafas

dare to take the risk.

of course, after much researchs, thoughts, advices, opinions and contemplations.

after prayers

3) Happy ?

"When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. 

When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told me them they didn't understand life."

-unknown-

2) Lanyak

Dalam sistem TU Wien, hari ini aku officially an architecture student di TU.

walaupun tak dapat lagi pengesahan MARA. surat rasmi mahupun email belum berbalas.

Pandai-pandai lah kau settlekan sendiri nanti. Apa-apa pun jangan takut, buat macam Hammam (member Palestin), mata terus pandang ke depan.

nikmat dunia lies at the very basic need of the needy.

nothing can beat lying on the floor. 

nothing can surpass the combi of nasi, sambal tempoyak n pekasam

nothing can be more refreshing than mandi air sejuk

why 'Z' ? coz Zombie?

1. Kristina didn't get the message but I do... I guess

2. Lepas bedah buku 1984-George Orwell, aku nak bedah muvi ni dgn Kristina

3. Just realised this, she appear thougher from the outside from me, but I'm stronger on the inside than her

4. Ya'juj Ma'juj yg akan (tgh) buat kerosakan di bumi ni adalah dari kalangan manusia.

5. Should start praying for the kind of husband I want.

Bitte Allah, ich bitte Dich allein... nimm mich weg von ihm

"O Allah, ich bitte Dich um Deine Liebe, die Liebe derer, die Dich lieben, und das Verrichten von Taten, die mir Deine Liebe bescheren. Lass meine Liebe zu Dir größer sein als meine Liebe zu mir selbst, meinem Besitz, meiner Familie und zu kühlem Wasser."

(Hadith des Propheten s.a.w., überliefert von At-Tirmidhi und Al-Hakim)

ich brauche drigend einen großen Bruder, der mir helfen und Ratschläge geben kann

huuuaaaa... susahnya nak jaga hati.... ya Allah, janganlah Kau hukum atau azab aku dek gagal nak jaga hati T_T

If this is not what you call 'love', I don't know what else to call it then

"What you gonna do tomorrow?"

"ummmm... I'm gonna... *tarik nafas*  I'm gonna post this letter to claim my TU fee"

"Huda, what? You gonna claim what?"

"aaaeee... this TU fee, €744, I'm gonna post it tomorrow to Frankfurt to claim it from MARA..."

"I'm gonna kill you, Huda! *suara marah gila* I thought you already did it. You told me you already did it."

"No, I don't."

"But do it tomorrow! It's too long already. I'm gonna kill you now. Why don't you tell me."

"I know... Okay, okay... I'll post it tomorrow"

"And call me after you posted it. And show me the receipt."

"Okay... I'll call you right after I post it."

"Good."

Buat pilihan

4 bakul laundry dibawa turun ke basement untuk dibasuh, kayu pengukur betapa hectic dan tak terurusnya hidup aku untuk sekurang-kurangnya 6 minggu yang lepas.

21.06.2013
Quick, salah satu sistem yang diinstall dalam kad bank, untuk memudahkan pembayaran laundry, membeli-belah, dll. Aku ke bank untuk topup Quick. €10 aku tekan. 

'Betrag zu hoch. Wünsch abgebrochen' 

(Value is too high. Rejected.)

Sekali lagi cucuk kad. Perkara yang sama terpapar di skrin ATM. Tak puas hati, terus meluru ke mesin bersebelahan untuk periksa baki duit dalam akaun. 

€2.80

Bagaikan tamparan kencang 150km/h tepat ke muka. Aku telan air liur. 

Ok, sekarang baru faham apa yang Kristina rasa. Tapi itu pun baru 0.001% saja.

Sekurang-kurangnya, aku belum sampai tahap dia kena buat part-time cleaning lady.

27.06.2013

Elaun MARA masuk. Kembali bernafas. Alhamdulillah. Apa-apa pun, aku ada Kau.

Aku ingat, aku nak pegang tangan dia kuat-kuat, tak mau lepas. Sebab aku tahu, Kau akan tarik tangan aku untuk ke atas, kembali berdiri, so secara tak sengaja, tangan Kristina juga akan tertarik. Tapi aku lupa, Pengasih tu sifat Kau, merangkumi mereka yang tak sujud pada Kau. 

Handphone aku berbunyi. Kristina Zakharova. Aku biarkan dulu, tunggu sampai dia habis berdering baru aku call dia balik.

"I'm doing laundry right now. How are you?"
"Huda, you are the 1st person to know this, I got reply from UNO (United Nation Organisation/Pertubuhan Bangsa-Bangsa Bersatu). They ask me to register now."

Kerongkong aku mula tegang. Tekak aku rasa seperti ditarik. 1st application dia 2tahun lepas kena reject. Menangis dia depan aku. Aku paksa dia buat 2nd application.

Dia dengan tak da duit.

Dia kena pilih:

antara Intern UN selama 6 bulan (atau lebih) yang tak berbayar tu, 

atau 

balik Russia  dan... ok, aku rasa dia sebenarnya tak ada pilihan...

1) Just a glimps of it

Petang tadi selepas selesai periksa gigi, aku terus ke asrama jenguk Kristina. Jumpa dekat Spar, angkut kotak-kotak dengan dia.

Sampai di asrama, aku ke Gemeinschaftsraum (Common room), ada budak tinggalkan kerja-kerja dia atas meja besar. Aku menuju ke arah TV, almaklum jakun sebab rumah sendiri tak da TV. Kristina jenguk meja besar tu.

'Huda, budak ni amik Architecture aku rasa. Ada sketch, geometrie ni.'

Aku meluru ke arah meja tersebut. Meja tu penuh dengan kertas-kertas soalan, sketch dan buku-buku rujukan yang terbuka menanti untuk ditelaah. 'Hochbau' (structural engineering) tajuk buku tu. Sah Architecture. Tak pun civil. Aku intip kertas-kertas soalan tu. Sketches tu. Tak tahu nak rasa apa. 

Hati aku berbisik: Ya Allah, ni ke yang bakal aku hadapi?

Kenapa, di zaman ni, susah sangat nak ikut jalan Kau?

Dunia ni indah sebenarnya...

         ... tapi dalam masa yang sama sangat memuntahkan...

bila boleh masuk syurga? hati nak rehat.

 x larat bertahan kat dunia ni. 

susah. sakit. tenat.

2. Henna tattoo will do :)

If tattoo was halal, I would have long ago let myself tattooed. My dream since in high school...

Funny kak Fit also has the same idea :D

During Matura, I henna tattooed myself several times. 

It's an Addiction + Satisfaction. Mana nak dapat wei perasaan semacam tu... Alhamdulillah lah tattoo dan rokok tu haram dalam agama, kalau tak lama dah aku balun kedua-dua najis itu.

das weißt du schon... verstehst aber nicht, oder?

"Ein jeder hat Engel vor sich und hinter sich, die einander ablösen und ihn auf Allahs Geheiß behüten. Gewiß, Allah verändert die Lage eines Volkes nicht, solange sie sich nicht selbst innerlich verändern. Und wenn Allah ein Volk leiden lassen will, dann kann niemand es abwenden, und außer Ihm haben sie keinen Beschützer." 

(13:11)

muntalaq tu maksud dia titik permulaan

1. The four-year-old girl, Irisa

kami sedang duduk-duduk menikmati keindahan alam (baca: menikmati nikmat dunia membuli Irisa, 4 tahun, dan Iman, 9 tahun) dan sedang bersembang kencang perihal blog masing-masing apabila Irisa menyampuk...

Irisa: bsyong tu apa?

Fatin, Aiman dan aku: Apa?

Irisa: Bsylonge tu apa?

Kami: APA??

Iman: Irisa tanya Blog tu apa?

Aku: Oh.. Blog tu macam... macam... kita tulis-tulis dalam dia

Fatin: Irisa tau tak Journal?

Irisa: tau tau... like a butterfly  

(bayangkan budak umur 4 tahun cakap camni dengan gaya dia...)

Kami gelak bagai nak rak di bawah rimbunan pokok ceri. Ya Allah, nikmat dunia yang Kau kurnia ni sangat kami hargai. Kami teruskan bersembang. Tiba-tiba Irisa bersuara kembali.

Irisa: uuu... so cute!! (sambil pandang ke arah aku)

Aku: oooo.. Uda so cute ke?

Irisa: tak... butterfly so cute...

fine...

jangan nak mengada-ngada salahkan situasi, stop crying like a baby boo

if u see any opportunity, grab it.
if u see any chances, use it.

and if u r not be able to see any of them, then create one.

i was born an ugly duckling and still am dreaming to be a swan

random Quote from a friend's timeline

"To be judged of what you were is just unfair as a butterfly being judged while it was a caterpillar"

Dash Johari

nuff said...

FUN.

There are so many ways to release your aggression. 

Living here surrounded by boring, selfish, egoistic, bajet-kau-bagus-sangat people (read: living here alone), basketball wouldn't do... not like before... what a pity...

But screaming always do its job.

And I guess that's why I tend to hear more of Nate Ruess's these days. 

Like he said: CARRY OOOON!!!!

Bebas

I guess, being young ladies, their lives in Irbid must have been very hard. The type of freedom I'm having here each second is what they could only dream for.

We were in the airport waiting for their flight when we decided to have a bit of a sharing. (10: 7-20)

Each one of them took turn to recite. And as much as my heart being moved by their recitation, I tried to hold back my tears. I wonder how was it, the type of tranquility they felt listening to the recitation of those imams at their nearby mosques. So far from being like them. The simplicity that they posses is what I'm searching for all these while.

You can feel it. Some people don't, but you can.

There are people who appear tough from the outside, they talk loud, they are admired by almost everyone n they knew it, some of them are good looking. But from the inside, they are empty, nothing, too light. Their souls could be shattered to pieces easier than glasses.

But there are also people who look as normal as anything from the outside. Smiling. But as you get near them, you can feel how strong they are. You could tell from their eyes of how much pain they could endure and yet being thankful for every second of their lives. You can see what they've gone through, how much they have changed.

Freedom is not of what you see on the outside, but of what you experience on the inside.

*          *          *

We are now on our 22nd year walking on the face of this earth.
A sister died in Jordan on the 21st, a baby in its mother's womb didn't make it. Reminding us of what we have become, of where we're heading to, of which level our faith lies, of how, in what condition we are to face Him soon.

So much to learn, so much to change, so much to do.

so much to learn

next, World War Z

Handsome guy to die for

Girls screaming chanting dying dreaming waving to their most beloved beyond-average handsome hot guys, artists, celebrities, boyfriends, crushes, you name it. Mesmerized by every perfection, every details of their faces, eyes like being drawn from the heaven, broad shoulders, etc.

I too was like that. No joke.

But somehow, for the last 4 years surviving in Vienna, a human's-soul-grinding-machine city, surrounded by Brad-Pit-To-Be guys, i can not help but get out of this self created illusion.

Recently an arab celebrity, Omar Borkan, was deported from Saudi Arabia for being too handsome. He is like to-die-for for every girl. Being so curious, I searched his pictures, just to have a bit of a taste of this whole chaos.

And all I can experience from his photo was that it is just a photo. Nothing more. I was confused. The whole world claimed him to be one of the most handsome guy ever lived. I don't get it. Where's the beauty in him? After a long observation then only I can see that he's actually a good looking guy. But that's it. Not an inch of my heart moved. If he was ever to stand in front of me, I wouldn't care, I wouldn't stare. Not because I don't like him, but just because he's so normal to me.

I realize that the creterion of my admiration towards something or someone has changed.

I guess, I'm now in a stage where if Nick Vujicic was to propose, I would marry him.

He is but with much affection, sharp vision, strong in and out that he's able to hold you during your fall and your rise even with no limbs. With no hands but be able to embrace your heart. To support you.

He, through my definition, is handsome.

Jan 2013 Bratislava dan Budapest

You learn as you travel. 

I learn a lot from them, without them realising it.

A lot.

Downtown, Bratislava

Budapest

May Allah bless you guys. Stay steadfast on His path. 

I see potential in each and every one of you. 

Maximize your potential, guys.

0) lapar dan dahaga

Huda yang dahulunya sanggup bekerja keras, berusaha sedaya mungkin untuk mencapai sesuatu target. Huda tu dah hilang. 

Tapi...

Huda tu datang kembali ketuk pintu malam 15 Jun hari tu.

Maka berhentilah berehat dalam kesenangan, dalam zon selesa. Berhentilah berasa sedih dan takut.

Maka bangkitlah bersama kudrat, hasrat dan senjata.

Kau tengah lapar dan dahaga. Keluarlah cari air dan makanan.

Risau

TAHUN INI...

1. rakan-rakan jordan dalam jurusan perbankan islam dan ekonomi dah grad.

2. bella, firdaus, wani from US grad dalam jurusan kejuruteraan mekanikal dan kejuruteraan kimia

TAHUN DEPAN...

1. ramai rakan-rakan aku akan grad. mostly from tanah timur tengah in life sciences.

2. ramai juga dalam kalangan rakan-rakan aku di Jerman akan mengharungi tahun terakhir mereka. nak habiskan projek. praktikal. tulis bachelor thesis.

3. dan aku? tahun depan, aku bakal memulakan kos baru di TU tahun pertama dalam architecture

4. itu pun kalau pilihan aku tepat.

5. malangnya, tahap kerisauan dan tangisan aku tak dapat menjustifikasikan ketepatan pilihan/keputusan aku.

Stärke

ya Rabb,

You hear me, I know You always do. Please, give me strength. It's too hard ya Rabb, too hard for me.

Give me strength ya Rabb, and please, make it easier for me.

Ameen

ridiculous

dah mula memahami kenapa org gila gelak dan nangis at the same time

nmpk je org gila lpsni, 1st thing yg akan tdetik dlm hati: kita geng

Tembok

1. Kita berkenalan. aku masuk bilik kau, kita sembang. gurau-senda, loya buruk, lawak gelak-tawa.      Sama-sama, kita pecahkan tembok pertama.

2. "Sorry, but I have to pray now."

"Aah... you pray. That's amazing. I really like it that you care about your spirituality and yet we can talk n laugh like hell"

"Yeah, spirituality is really important to me. I need it."

"Good. I respect it." 

Tembok kedua pecah.

3. Aku pindah. Lawat dia. Waktu sujud pada Kau tiba. Aku mintak guna bilik dia. Yoga matt sbg sejadah. Buat pertama kali dia nampak aku menghadap Kau. Dia atas katil baca buku. Aku atas matt baca hati. Tembok ketiga pecah.

4. "When to go out?" 

"I have class until 4, and I will go back home to pray my evening prayer. And then I'll come."

"Ok, do. Pray first."

Tembok keempat pecah.

5. Masa makin suntuk. Suasana makin genting. Aku di sisi dia untuk semangat, dakapan, tangisan lelah dan kecewa, takut. Bersama di dalam makmal seperti burung hantu. Burung hantu untuk 24jam. Dan ya, dahi aku dah berkali-kali, berhari-hari sentuh lantai makmal. Moga tembok kelima pecah.

6. "Huda, whatever we do, whatever pains and shits we go through, it's all because of our hands, you know. Our fault." 

" I know..."

"You haven't pray your night prayer yet, right? It's almost your morning prayer."

"Oh my God! I forgot! Thanks! Ok, I pray now."

Kau sendiri yang pecahkan tembok keenam.

7. Dan akan datang tembok-tembok seterusnya dan seterusnya sehingga suatu hari nanti bahu kau bertemu bahu aku, hati kau dan hati aku bersama mengadap Dia, dahi kita sama-sama cecah lantai yang sama. 

Hari itu pasti.

Try to put yourself in other's shoes, will ya?

There are times when you have tons of things to do, heaps of problems to solve, gallons of tears to wipe, too many abstacles to go through, that you simply don't even give a shit anymore whether people hate you, not satisfied with you/your work or wish you were as good as dead.

'Cause you're just too tired to even care. 

Banyak songeh. puiii.

Susah kalau muka tak berapa nak cerah ni

Semalam, setelah sekian lama, aku kembali mengenakan tudung hitam.

'Hmm... not bad. Saudi mari.' ujarku pada diri sendiri sambil melihat cermin dan terus meluru keluar dari rumahku untuk bertemu intan payungku.

Setelah bertukar sapaan dan ciuman di pipi, intan payungku (a.k.a. Kristina) bersuara: 'Aku tak suka kau pakai tudung hitam. Dah macam bini terrorist dah aku tengok!'

OK FINEEE.....

dear Lord, You know what I've gone through. I need a hug from You.

I've always wanted a big long warm hug.
One day, I'll be in Jennah and He will hug me n comfort me, and I will cry like a baby in His arm. insyaAllah.

xde font lagi besar drpd ni ke?

P.E.N.A.T.

The sinking boat

'Kau kena buat research. dan of course, istikharah tu penting.'

It's like you are in a boat. 

And the boat is sinking. 

And you keep holding on to the pole. 

And as you realize that the water is filling the boat rapidly, you climb the pole. 

To the highest peak, hoping that you will not drown. 

But you forget, it's a sinking boat. 

How much higher can you climb?

You know you have to let go off the pole, dive into the ocean and start swimming.

You know you can swim, but you're not sure how good. 

You're afraid.

You don't know.

And with every thought that comes inside your mind, 

with every detail that you take into consideration,

the clock is ticking.

The boat is sinking.

You know to hold on to the pole is a wrong choice.

Or at least you think so.

Or no, you just don't know.

And you know that you can swim.

But is it THE right choice to swim?

You don't want a choice. You're tired of any random choice.

You want the choice. The. Let it be the right one.

So, you still are holding on to the pole. Half drown.

But you forget,

by choosing to swim, 

you may not know what lies ahead,

you may not even survive the ocean,

but it's an indicator

of how much trust you've put on Him

to let go off the pole and dive.

There are so many ways on how to cross the ocean. 

Sailing a boat is just one of them. 

Ya Rabb, may architecture be the right one.

Lima - The cleaning lady

Walking down the street feeling lost and depressed, seeing various types of races rushing, passing by, you couldn't help but to wonder what do they have in their minds. What are they thinking? What do they feel? thankful? satisfied? happy? sad? worried?

And you randomly examined their facial expression. Their body language. One by one.

'They don't have Allah. How then do they survive? How then do they cope with all these tensions, stress being poured onto them? Are they normal? Is it normal not having anything to hang on to?'

And as you walk down the street, in the opposite direction of the oldest church in Vienna, Stephansdom with only one tower, you catch a glimpse of her. You knew her long ago. She looks like any typical Austrian's Oma. Grey hair, wrinkled face, thin pale skin, short and quite pumpy. You smile, for it was almost 3 years since you last saw her. 

The cleaning lady from your school. The one who you used to smile, greet, talk to, and to whom you tell your problems to, accompanied by her mops, broomsticks, pails and all. Yup, she's the one. No doubt.

'Hallo! Schon lange nicht mehr gesehen! Wie geht's Ihnen?' (Hallo! Long time no see! How are you?) 

'Na, hallo! Nicht so gut, dir?' (Oh, hallo! Not that well, you?) 

'Gut, danke. Ich studiere jetzt an der TU. Ich hab schon seit langem die Schule nicht besucht.' (Good, thanks. I am studying in TU now. I haven't visited the school for ages.) 

'Ich bin nicht mehr in der Schule. Ich bin krank, hab Nieren- und Rückenproblem. Sie sagten, dass ich ins Pension gehen muss, da es schlecht für meine Gesundheit ist zu arbeiten. Aber ich brauche Geld.' (I'm no longer in the school. I'm sick. I have problem with the nerv and back. They told me to quit my job as the work is effecting my health. But I need money.)

Everyone has problem. It's not the matter of whether it is big or small. It's the matter of how you deal with it. Your attitude towards it. Problem comes not just by chance. It has a specific, distinct purpose to come, to happen, to enter your life.

The same type of problem will come to you if you don't change. There is always something in you that you need to change. And to look for what that really is, to figure it out, is not an easy job. Find it anyway. Dig the inner you. Find it, understand how and why it is like that, find the source and change it. And ask for His guidance for only He can give you Light. Change.

Else the very same problem will come to you and stays enveloping your life.

The common mistake we make: we want to change, but there is no one there offering us a helping hand. 
Although we lived long enough to understand that there's no one in this world who can help us, only you can help yourself. And you knew too well that what you are saying is merely an excuse. A perfect escape.

*             *              *

You hug her before bidding goodbye. She hugs you tight. You can feel the desperate need of support, of something to hang on to from her brace. With all the troubles that come knocking your door, you know what a warm hug means. Almost everything. Without Him you are alone. 

'Vergiss mich bitte nicht. Und ich werde dich nie vergessen. Nie.' (Please, don't forget me. And I will never forget you. Never.) 

'Nein, werde ich nicht. Nie' (No, I'll never do. Never.) 

You answer with a smile, your eyes looking right to hers.

How can you forget someone who cheered you up in the locker room on your first time entering an alient school with an alient language?

In dieser kapitalistischen Welt: Zeit = Geld

I cried last Sunday while having breakfast with her. And today, while having lunch, she cried.

It's not that it's easy for both of us to shed tears. No, on the contrary, both would make jokes out of our problems. We make jokes on how stupid we are not being able to manage life, not being able to control ourselves. And we laugh about it. Sarcastically.

Grotesque.

"If I were to choose between €5 000 000.00 and you, I would choose you, Huda."

That comes from someone having terrible financial crisis, super complex life problem and above all, from someone who really means every single word she utters.

Not everybody cries because of sadness. One does also cry out of frustration, depression, the stress and because og the responsibility heavily weighted on his/her shoulder.

Help us

O Allah,
please, I'm begging You, help us,
for it is not easy to be the youngsters of our time,
for it is not easy to stay steadfast in Your Path in this time,
for it is not easy to practice Your Way in this era,

with what the world has to offer,
with all the temptations served on our tables.

Help us, make us strong.
Help us, to help ourselves.

Ameen. 

Story of our ancestor

I couldn't help smiling when I read my uncle's post (Paet, my most favourite Onkel of all time) in his blog: http://pening-pala.blogspot.co.at

He wrote something I have always put my interest in. Our lineage.

"Keturunan dari Pattani, selatan Thai, moyang aku, Hj.Yunus (salah silah Tok Hajar, nenek sebelah ayah) yang merupakan seorang pendakwah dari Pattani suatu ketika dahulu datang ke kampung aku dan membuka penempatan di situ. Hj. Yunus dikatakan letah berkahwin dengan anak Haji Kecik (nama asal 'ki chi' sebelum datang ke tanah melayu), juga seorang pendakwah yang datang dari Goa, India dengan menaiki tongkang."

Ummi told me once: 

'Kita ni kaum kerabat Raja Pattani. Raja Siam time tu nak hapuskan Islam kat Pattani, so dia halau habis semua kerabat Raja Pattani keluar dari Pattani kalau tak mau kena pancung.' 

Not sure if she really meant it, or it was a joke. But I took it seriously at that time with opened mouth (mulut ternganga tahap aku xtau nak kata cena)

'Ummi boleh cakap Siam?'

'Tak, yang last boleh cakap Tok Ajaq (moyang aku) ja pun.'

'Ala... tapi Uda takda pun meh-meh muka Siam ke, Ummi putih, Iman putih, Yam putih, Uda takda pun tanda-tanda keturunan Siam...'

'Muka senang merah tu, Siam lah tu. Boleh lah...'

Pun boleh~ 

The story is also quite interesting from Abah's side. With Turkish lineage, our forefather was a merchant (? pedagang).  should ask him more about this.  

Bring mich weit von hier

O Allah,

take me away from this sickness. sickness of heart, body and mind.

take me far far away from my sin, my ugly disgusting unbearable sin and though i feel shameful to beg for this, bring me closer to you.

ameen.

Geh weiter und weiter

The feeling that you get,

after endless times 

of reading,

of trying to understand,

of being patient,

of keeping your hopes up,

of crying your heart out,

of knowing how hard it is,

of believing that one day you'll get it,

of hoping it'll get better,

to finally be able to comprehend that very same paragraph, that very same subject, that very same slides, 

is just undescribable.

All you can do at that time was to prostrate to your Lord. coz you know without Him, you'll be no where near to this achievement. 

But one thing left unsettled. 

Does it really take this much to get to this stage? How about the other subjects, the other practicals, the other labs, the other exams? Do they also demand such output, such courage, such strength, such patience? 'Cause the truth is, I can't help but to feel tired with all these.

And I wonder, is it because of the language barrier, or it is just me, or is it something else?

Hang on there

She used to tell me this:

'Huda, have you ever had this feeling? That even if you are among your closest friends, even if you are with your family, even while you are laughing out loud, deep inside you know for sure that your are alone in this world.'

Yes, dear Kristina. I have had that feeling and still am having it. This world was never meant to be forever. It was never made permanent. And our heart strives for something eternal. 

Every time I was on the train (usually Austria-Germany-Austria), that feeling, that very same thought never left me. Never. Yes, we are alone in this world. You'll never feel belonged anywhere in this world. You are not belonged here.

We come from heaven, that's our home. And I'm on my way back, home, insyaAllah

It's not motivation that you need, what you need is desire

Penat.
Penat lawan dengan diri sendiri.

Takut.
Takut kalah dengan diri sendiri.

Empat - We are here for a higher purpose

I was on my way to TU (Technische Universität Wien) when I felt the vibration of the mobile phone in my pocket.

 'Hammam Abu Alkass' appeared on the screen.

I didn't hear from him for quite sometimes, the last time was when we were in the library. I helped him with Grundlagen der Chemie PS (Fundamental of Chemistry). It was one of the three main subjects (STEOP), namely Anorganische Chemie, Analytische Chemie, Grundlagen der Chemie, that we needed to pass in order to stay in Technical Chemistry. You are allowed to repeat the paper only once. The third time would be Komissionelle Prüfung, where there will be four professors examining you, either written or oral exams. 

He failed once and went for the second trial .

'Hallo, Hammam. Wie geht's?'
(Hi Hammam. How are you?)

'Ja, gut, danke. Huda, ich hab' eine Frage.'
(Yes, good. Thanks. Huda, I have a question.)

'Ja.'
(Yes)

'Kann man troztdem fürs Labor eintreten, obwohl man die STEOP noch nicht geschafft hat?'
(Is one still allowed to register for the lab course even though he hasn't completed his STEOP yet?)

I paused for a few second. He muss have failed the second trial.

'Ich weiß es nicht, Hammam. Aber ich kann es bei der Fachschaft fragen. Du hast den Test nicht geschafft, oder?' 
(I don't know, Hammam. But I can ask the student department about it. You failed the test, right?)

'Ja.' 
(Yes)

I knew how it feel. I still had one more chance for analytical chemistry. If I missed it, then there is no good reason for me to stay here in Vienna. If I were him, I would have thought that this could be the end of the world. No chance for technical chemistry anymore. I would have sit at the corner of the room regretting every single second that I've wasted on something else. 

But this guy, no. He worked like a horse. Eyes fixed in front. Mata tengok depan je. Tak pandang belakang langsung. He tried to get the job done, to go for any other possibilities to make it right, to make it done. You failed this, yes. But there were a lot more to be done. He didn't waste his energy regretting on that matter, 'cause he knew, he already tried.

Judging from our conversation on the phone, his German had improved a lot. I mean, A LOT. The first time I met him, he couldn't even explain where he was going. He couldn't understand it when I explained to him the marking system in TU.

So much to learn from a Palestinian guy.

Einer der wichtigsten Teile meines Lebens

5 orang yang aku beri kepercayaan penuh dan aku rasa sangat berkebolehan untuk menceritakan hal aku atau keperibadian aku kalau ada orang minat kat aku n nak tau lebih lanjut pasai aku n konon nak datang minang ka kan ialah:

1.  Ummi
2.  Abah
3.  Iman
4.  Yam
5.  Kristina

    6.   Kucing-kucing aku, kalau mereka boleh berkata-kata :)

Tea bags

She was lying on her bed with two small black wet sacks covering both of her eye lids and the perimeter of her eyes. Appeared frozen like a stone, she was not moving even an inch. Being so curious, I walked towards her.

'Jangan kacau Yam lah.' she murmed annoyed at my presence. Or I would say embarrased at her current situation. Nevertheless, not an inch of her body moved.

Then I realised it was two wet tea bags that was covering her eyes.

'Apa la boh uncang teh kat mata. Mana nak hilang sembam doh.'

'Ada... Yam tengok internet dia kata jadi.'

'Ya lah, tapi orang bukak isi uncang teh tu lumur habis kat mata. Direct treatment kot. Baru jadi.'

'Mana ada orang buat kerja gila camtu!'

And I walked out of the room.

The next morning I went to her room only to find her busy cleaning her bed. With a stressed out face, she took off her bed lining and pillow cases, lifting it up high in the air and hitting it hard with her hand.

'Awak kibas apa ni?'

'Awak lah ni kata keluarkan isi uncang tu. Habis dah kering serbuk tu lekat kat muka Yam pagi ni. Pastu habis dia jatuh-jatuh kat katil Yam!' she was clearly mad.

'Awak buat betul-betul???' after 5 seconds... BAHAHAHAHAHA!

'Tak nak kawan awak!!' 

Penangan Aladin

Perempuan.

Tiga pulak tu.

Masalah dengan perempuan, gaduh la teruk mana pun sampai rasa nak pindah rumah, nak bunuh-membunuh, rahsia peribadi tetap dok sembang kencang sesama sendiri. Bak kata Iman, awat la kita bongok sangat dulu-dulu, dah tau rahsia for sure akan pecah baik punya kalau dok share antara kita, tapi gatai nak share jugak.

Ya, setiap malam kami tiga beradik akan bermesyuarat di atas katil. Dengan lampu terpadam, supaya senang nak kembali ke posisi pura-pura tidur bila Ummi datang check tengah-tengah malam. 

'Awak jangan bagitau abah tau, Iman hilang pembaris kat sekolah.'

'Eee... sian awak. Uda pun. Tapi uda hilang pemadam sekali.'

'Yam, pinjam pensil please. Spot-check esok abah nak tengok. Awak tak kena.'

Maka Yam yang dalam lingkungan tujuh tahun itu dengan penuh innocentnya akan meminjamkan pembarisnya kepada Iman.

Pada suatu malam berikutnya.

'Uda suka sorang budak laki ni, Dia kelas sebelah.'

'Ooo! Iman tau. Hensem².

Ya, nampak sangat akrab di situ. Akan tetapi, kami juga akan menggunakan rahsia-rahsia yang telah diamanahkan ke atas kami ini untuk kepentingan diri.

Mungkin juga dek terpengaruh cerita Aladin- Walt Disney, - dan setiap kali ulang tayang kartun tu kami tiga beradik akan minta Ummi belikan harimau sebagai binatang peliharaan - kami nampak pelbagai kelebihan yang dapat diperoleh dalam Three Wishes tu. Esok anak aku sorang pun aku tak kasi tengok Aladin. Never.

'Yam jangan bagi tau abah!! Uda dah tak suka dia dah laaaa!'

'Nak bagitahu jugak!'

'Janganlah!'

'Ok, macam tu Yam nak tiga permintaan.'

Maka, siapa yang terperangkap terpaksalah menunaikan ketiga-tiga permintaan itu seperti mengemas bilik (sebab kami kongsi bilik), buatkan air especially air sunkist limau, basuhkan kasut dan lain-lain lagi yang kadang tu tak tercapai dek akal pun, dengan harapan rahsia-rahsia kerajaannya tak bocor sampai ke pengetahuan abah.

'Bagitau abah awak hilang pemadam.'

'Mana ada... ada je tetinggal kat sekolah!'

'Tipu Uda tahu. Bagitau abah gak.'

'Ok lah, ok lah'

'Ok nak tiga permintaan.'

Selalunya kesengsaraan orang yang terperangkap tu insyaAllah akan berakhir pada permintaan ke- 3. Sampailah pada suatu hari, Iman telah mengupgrade sistem murni Three Wishes kami ke peringkat seterusnya. 

'Permintaan ke-3 Iman ialah Iman nak lagi 3 permintaan.'

Constant, continous and with sincerity

Just after my Fajr prayer (woken by Syera's call via Line), while sitting on the floor wearing telekung (praying garment) given by my grandma last summer and reading Ma'thurat via mobile App - Ma'thurat Ustaz Don, I can't help thinking how much continous blessings these three people, namely Syera, my grandma and Ust.Don, are getting each day, each time I pray.

Jealous? Yes.

But that's how things work. Benda² kecik ni lah pun yg kita blh nak bawak bila nak jumpa Allah nnt kat akhirat.  

Small things do give great impact on people's life. 

Be creative and innovative in doing good deeds. 

Our aim is His blessings in this life and in the hereafter, insyaAllah

Ready To Love

"So, everybody, self-updates, please!"

And we went on with updating ourselves on skype. The seven of us. And my turn came.

"Ok, alhamdulillah. Ade budak baru dekat Wien. Buat intern kat UN. Then, harini aku buat over view sketch utk 3bulan, until habis Sommersemester (summer sem). Aku ada 5 paper aku kena amik dlm mase 3 bulan. Kena buat betul². Tak mau repeat year dah.. tak larat..."

and then my thoughts came. Should I tell them or not, should I share it? Coz it had been bothering me for quite sometimes. 

"Emm... klu update ibadah, aku ade masalah sebenarnye. Hu... Dah 2 hari aku x dengar alarm, x boleh bangun subuh, tak campur dengan hari di mana aku dengar alarm tapi gigih tutup balik dan terus sambung tidur dan bila bangun balik dah subuh gajah. "

It bothered me a lot. I knew something was terribly wrong with me.

Something was wrong in my day time routine that it effected my Subuh prayer. My Fajr.

I needed to get to the bottom of this.

And Khaulahs, being ever so sweet, came up with 1001 ways to wake up for Fajr.

"Huda huda, aku tau, aku tau! Kau pakai hp ape?" that was from Cik Yah.

"Samseng."

"Bagus, samseng kan? Install Extreme Alarm Clock. Alarm tu xkan berhenti smpi kau solve maths problem tu"

"Alaaaa.. aku cube dah tu. Aku tidur balik. Sbb aku solve soklan tu dlm keadaan minda bawah sedar" that was from Fil.

"Tepuk² bantal!"

"Tidur awal!"

"Dah cube, x berkesan...."

"Aku call kau pakai Line subuh ni, insyaAllah." from Syera.

And she did. And I was successful in waking up and praying for Fajr the next day. 

What I love from our little group of Khaulah was that we didn't throw any judgement to one another. At least, I didn't feel like being judged when sharing my problem. And we helped each other, insyaAllah.

"Protect and be there for one another" Ready to Love, Outlandish

Zielstrebig

I have a dream, I have a target, I have a goal.

If not one, many.

And I'm on my way there.

InsyaAllah.

Let's do our job (51:65) (2:30)

The reason kenapa orang dulu-dulu kata "pi mengaji Qur'an" sambil menghayun rotan, hanger, pembaris kayu, tali pinggang, tali pinggan keledar, karpet (ok, cukup...) di tangan ke punggung is not to tell u pi baca Qur'an, but pi kaji Qur'an.

It's not enough just to read it (and you think u've done your job). 

No.

To read is one thing.

To understand, to comprehend, to reflect upon it, to kaji is another thing. So, let's do our job, shall we? :)

Tudia bahasa rojak tahap gaban. Nasib ja x campoq jerman skali.

Fünf - Spracherwerb

Why?

Why would they not listen?

With all of the abilities they had, to understand the language, to comprehend it at the grassroot level, to be able to ask back after being able to identify things they didn't understand, to be able to make an argument or voicing out their opinion, they didn't do it. They just took everything for granted.

And me, I was strugging with the language. To understand the language itself was one thing, to comprehend the thing your were learning was another. To identify things you didn't understand was also another thing. And even, even after you had reached the point where you knew what you didn't know, it would be all too scarying and terrifying to raise up your hand in the middle of the class to ask, while all the german-mother tounge speakers would abruptly turned their heads to you.

It came to my mind how I was also in the very same situation like they were in back then in my homeland, my home town. Despite having the ability to do all of the things listed above, you just won't do it. You took things for granted. And you left unexcell in your study. Communicating with the teachers and classmates  would not be a problem back then 'cause you already master the language. 

What a pity.

What a shame.

So, yes, I knew now how it felt to be able to master all these. Yes, it was a blessing. And it was not that I loose this particular blessing from God to be able to master this language acquisition (German in my case), but to show me to what level of difficulty I would be in not being able to communicate with the outside world without this particular blessing of His.

And I got it.

And I was mad at them, those inside my class.

They were like me back then.

They got everything. All they had to do was to push aside their ego, their childish behaviour, stay humble along the way, open their heart and they would already be successful not only in their studies but also in shaping their character.

"Verstehst du das? (Do you understand that)" he asked while pointing at the black board.

"Ja. (Yes)" nodding with a smile on the face, I replied.

"Boah, aber wie?! (Woah, but how?!)"

"Frag sie mal. [Ask her (the teacher)]"

Ask.    

It's the small things that make us happy

"We are girls, we need bracelets!"

And so, another collection from her.
From silver necklace to €2 bracelets... her endless 'contribution'.


O Allah,
you've answered my prayer long ago.
And I just started to realize it... bit by bit
I thank You for sending me her.

Please, open our heart. Help us to clean our hearts. Help us to stay steadfast. Make us the poeple of sincerity. Ameen.

crawl if you must

O Allah,
are You pleased with me?

coz every morning I dissapoint myself

and I'm trying hard to change.

Nidji - Laskar Pelangi

Menarilah dan terus tertawa

walau dunia tak seindah surga

bersyukurlah pada yang Kuasa

cinta kita di dunia... selamanya

live your life to the fullest

coz there is hope in every one of us

Dear God, I want to change.

Dear God the Almighty

I truly thank you for everything I have now, for everything You gave me.

Thank you for creating me, for making me exist in this world.

But the truth is, I feel shamed of myself. 

Dear God the Almighty

I want to change. 

Help me, for me to help myself.

Unless if you think you evolved from apes, you should reflect upon the words.

The Almighty has created the angels with intellect but without sexual desires.
The Almighty has created animal with sexual desires but without intellect.
The Almighty has created mankind with both intellect as well as sexual desires.

So whoever's intellect rises above his desires joins the ranks of the angels and whoever's desires overpower his intellect drops to the level of animals.

-Mufti Menk-

Bravery and Confidence.

My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: 

"At the end of this ruler there's an idiot!"

I got detention after asking which end.

Outlandish - Ready To Love

We got one life to love each other,

protect and be there for one another.

But worthless if we keep on fighting,

cause together we can face the night.

-outlandish-

x pernah menghampakan

Tiga - Arang.

September 2002. Manchester, UK.

Nota: New-comers yang baru masuk Ducie High School diwajibkan untuk mengambil Test XYZ bagi memudahkan urusan pihak sekolah untuk membahagikan murid-murid ke kelas-kelas tertentu mengikut tahap IQ dan pengetahuan am mereka. Di UK, pelajar masuk sekolah menengah seawal umur 11 tahun. 

Soalan ni aku ingat sampai sekarang, dan insyaAllah sampai mati.

'What is the colour of coal?' 

A. white   B. pink   C. black   D. green

Punyalah stuck dekat soalan ni. Serba tak tahu nak jawab apa. Coal? Sepanjang  11 tahun aku hidup, tak pernah tau wujudnya perkataan 'coal'.

Cuak. Macam mana ni? Seperti biasa, kalau aku tak tahu nak buat apa, aku akan mula bermain dengan imiginasi, buka ruang kreativiti otak aku, buat assumption sendiri. Oh ok, rupanya cara ni aku dah  mula sejak kecik lagi, sampai sekarang pakai taktik yang sama nak sedapkan hati klu cuak.

Aku yakin printer/mesin fotostat sekolah rosak. Ink dia nak habis. Tak pun cikgu yang tulis soalan ni typo. Patut tulis coat, tertulis coal. Nak je aku tambah garisan melintang kat huruf l tu biar jadi coat. Tolonglah.

Hmmm... Maybe dia nak tanya, nak uji pengetahuan am aku, warga dunia ni majoriti pakai coat warna apa. Padahal dah risau gila tak tahu nak jawab apa. Dan aku pada waktu tu, seperti kebanyakan pelajar Melayu di Nusantara, takut nak bertanya bila tak tahu. Penyakit pelajar Melayu. 

aku pilih C. black. Ok, sekarang boleh jawab soalan-soalan lain.

Tapi aku tak sedap hati. Patah balik. Selak semula muka depan, tenung balik soalan tu. 

No, B. pink. Ramai suka pki kot warna merah jambu. Aku yakin. Tapi resah, takut salah.
Ok, yakin balik, B. pink.

Masa dah tamat. Kertas soalan dikutip.

*          *          *

Aku: 'Sekolah salah taip soalan tadi. Ada ke coal?

Ummi: 'Hah, arang?'

hmmm... ye lah, arang warna pink.

Mantap pengetahuan am aku.

esok nak pi sekolah tak tau mana nak letak muka  x____x

*          *          *

Cerita 11 tahun yang lalu, terreflect balik dekat diri sendiri dgn situasi sekarang:

1) Kadang-kadang tu bukan kita tak tahu, tapi tak faham.

Nasib yang sama. Penat fikir soalan Physik, Physikalische Chemie, Analytische Chemie, Mathematik, etc. Apa yang soalan ni nak sebenarnya ni? Bila kawan terangkan, rasa macam nak menangis. Lah... ni ke yang dia nak, aku boleh buat la... Kadang-kadang hanya sebab tak faham dua tiga perkataan, atau struktur bahasa soalan tu, terus tak boleh nak jawab soalan. Sebab tak faham.
Lecture pun. sama kes.

2) No more teka-teki.

Disebabkan dah tak larat nak bermain dengan teka-teki, teka-teka, pastu salah, dan apabila mengetahui bahawasanya hasil daripada main hentam kromo ni ialah repeat year (ya, aku repeat year), maka alhamdulillah aku dah berjaya keluar dari kepompong ciptaan sendiri. Malu bertanya sesat jalan. Nak malu pun, biar bertempat. Aku terus tanya Prof bila tak faham. Lantaklah bahasa aku rojak. Kejap Jerman kejap Inggeris, ada pernah nak tersasul Melayu pun, nasib je tak terkeluar.

Perasaan lepas dah faham tu tak terkata. Rasa macam baru keluar penjara atau tanjung rambutan to be precised.

Teruslah bertanya pada Prof bila tak faham. Unless, klu rasa nak jadikan hobi baru repeat-repeat Year ni.

Bushido - Theorie & Praxis feat. Joka

Apa patut kita buat kalau rasa bosan tahap gaban, tensi, buat apa semua tak jadi?

Ya, kita pasang lagu kuat-kuat, dengar berkali-kali sampai nak muntah.

#Wir müssen unterscheiden zwischen Theorie und Praxis... wollen wir zu viel aber geben viel zu wenig# 

hamekau. lagu rap pun boleh bagi hang penampaq kencang 250km/h. buat malu ja

So, when you are lost, it is not him who's letting go off his hand. it is you.

If I didn't believe in Allah, I would have long ago lost my sanity trying to survive here in Vienna.

He helped me all the way through. He is still holding my hand, tight. And will always do.

You

Your status is what I can not describe.
You are more than a friend,
more than a big sister to me.

One night, I prayed for you.
For some one strong,
in and out.

And He gave me you.
And one day,
I hope you can bring me closer to Him.

What I want for you,
is that
for you to at last find your way,
the straigth path,
hand in hand with the right one.

I want the best for you,
in this world
and in the hereafter.

Dua - The old man

October 2009-October 2010; 18th District, Vienna

He had a dog. A huge one. Almost as tall as his over-knees. Black. Bushy.

He lived on the 2nd floor. Me? on the 3rd floor.

We had a narrow staircase. The building was old, more than 100 years or so. So, everytime I met him at the staircase with his dog, his facial expression would change, showing his unsatisfaction of the current situation he was in, showing his uneasiness having to deal with an 18-year-old scarfed girl. I can feel this hatred he had inside him. You are not welcomed here. You muslims better stay off our land. Squeezing his dog at the side of the wall (as if it made any difference), he would with his grumpy face let me passed by first. 

"Gruß Gott!" 

the common Austrian greetings, with a malaysian cheerful smile. But never even once he replied to my greetings.

And the scene repeated itself every week. Whenever I met him and his dog at the staircase, I would greet, smile, and try to make eye contact with him, just to show him some respect. And as usual, no reply.

For 12 months. 

Until that very last day. I was moving out to my dormitory. I met him again at the staircase. It would be the last greeting.

So, with a smile on the face, "Gruß Gott!"

Yet, no reply. He continued climbing up the staircase and I, in the opposite direction, going down. After passing him by, I turned my head ca.90° just to have that one last look of the old man. Surprisingly he on the upper staircase also turned his head to my direction. Both of us stopped. He turned his head away from me, then to me again, then away for several times. Panic?

I smiled.

"Das Wetter heute ist schön, oder?" (the weather today is nice, isn't it?) he asked hesitatedly.

"Ja, total schön!" (Yes, absolutely nice.) 

And our conversation started. He talked at length about his family, of how he missed his children leaving him behind, seldomly keeping in touch with him. He was shocked that a muslim young lady like me could speak good German.

*         *         *

I was thankful that I never really judged him for the way he treated me before. This misunderstanding, this misconception of muslims in general, this stereotyped-muslim picture they have in their head can only be broken through kindness, through patience, through the reflection of our action. Enough talking about how muslims really are, how we should be. You, dear muslims, should just keep quite, open the Book, read what it is being said to us, read with open heart, with sincerity what God had for long told us and act according to the teaching of Prophet peace be upon. Read his history, his legacy, our legacy.

He was dealt worse than us today, yet he managed to spread the greeting of Salam peace all over the world. We have to learn a lot from him.

After all, we are all human, we all need light to see...

and the Book is the Light for our hearts